i'm a relatively short woman (5'2") and have always been bigger than my friends and other girls. i come from a big family where everybody likes to eat, and food was never very healthy growing up, yet everybody was average to tall in height so even though the adults in my family were overweight as well with years of binge eating and failed fad diets behind them, it wasn't as noticeable on them as it has been on me. so it wasn't surprising to anyone around me that i was bigger child. hell i had been drinking coke and pepsi out of my literal sippy cups at age three or four. nutrition was something that was never brought up or talked about, and when it was talked about it was under the guise of the military diet, weight watchers, jenny craig, etc. i remember being 10 years old and only 4'0" and weighing about 130 lbs and doctors being concerned but always being reassured by my mother that it was just "baby fat" and i'd grow to be taller and thin out. i was sixteen in 2020 when the pandemic started and it was the first time in my life i decided to do something about my weight. i didn't have school to worry about, i wasn't seeing my friends so i didn't have a chance to eat out with them constantly. i didn't have access to the kind of food i was accustomed to eating. i spent hours researching workout routines i could do from home, went on runs, downloaded my fitness pal, took all of my measurements and started counting calories like it was my religion. and it worked! i went from 183 lbs at the very beginning of the pandemic to 163 by the end of that year. i remember being so proud of myself, i loved watching the number on the scale drop, i had so much confidence and motivation than i had ever had before. and then eventually the inevitable happened-- i hit a plateau. i spent a couple weeks trying to push past it, but it was a lost cause when i went back to eating fast food nearly every single day, binge eating on what i felt like i had deprived myself of, i was a literal train wreck. i maintained my weight for a bit and then suddenly all of the restaurants reopened, i returned to in person classes for my senior year, and the temptations were all there again. i didn't have it in me to say no to getting food with my friends at 2am, to say no to extra dessert, i was too consumed by school and my social life to go to the gym. it took ten months for me to gain all of that weight back. i felt out of control and i quite literally could not stop eating, i would order uber eats 3-4 times a day and make high calorie meals on top of that. i was a mess and my self confidence was non-existent. i remember just wishing that i could disappear and that nobody would ever have to see me again out of fear of what they would think of my body.
and then this july i decided to get back on track. i was in general shock seeing the number 183.6 staring up at me all over again. i didn't notice the weight gain, it was subtle. suddenly things fit me tighter again and i could've swore that i bought the right size and i was convinced my clothes were shrinking in the washer. every time i saw myself and i looked bigger i'd tell myself maybe i was just bloated, and i'd get back on track the next day. it never happened though until i saw i had gained all of that weight back. and i have been successfully on track since then, but this time around it feels like i'm dragging myself along. i don't feel any pride in seeing the number on the scale drop, in working out, in eating healthy. every time i put on my clothes from 2020 that no longer fit me early this year and they button or zip up, i feel nothing but an immense amount of guilt. it's like... why should i celebrate this win when i've won it once before? it's not an achievement of mine to gain, it's something i'm reclaiming that i stupidly let go. i just see it as something i've done before, that i should've kept on doing, that i was stupid for letting myself go as i could've been at my goal weight long ago by now. i don't feel pride in my body or weight loss and my self esteem is even lower than it was before at my highest weight. i just feel lost, i don't know what to do. i have great friends and a supportive boyfriend, but i don't know how to explain what i am feeling deep inside.
i guess i'm just searching for comfort or support, for someone to tell me that this has happened to them too and i shouldn't feel so ashamed of myself. or to at least be a post for someone who is going through something similar on their weight loss journey to stumble upon and feel less alone. because trust me lmao... i feel like i'm the only person on earth who is this ashamed over their body. i feel so uncomfortable and so lost and i feel like this is all for nothing.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/oJEDcMN
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