Trigger warning: eating disorders, fat phobia, suicide, mental health challenges, probably more.
I have been at this thing for years. Literally years of my life, losing, gaining, losing again. My weight has been yo-yoing all over the god damn place. My attitude has been everywhere from, "I can absolutely do this," to, "I may as well not even try anymore." I have at times been inspired by so many posts of successful weight loss, and pissed off at many other times. "Why can't that be me?" Well. Because I've never committed to losing for long enough to see lasting results.
I know why. It's that I can't (or just don't) stick with it. Because it's hard. And apparently that 3rd piece of pizza or extra god damn cookie or "little bit extra" of whatever it is every day is more important to me than the big picture. Because having "a little bit of something" before bed is comforting. And a routine. One that's harder to break than feeling good. I'm so used to feeling bad that it's just easier.
Have I tried addressing the mental health portion? Yeah. I'm seeing a therapist. I like her. She's fine. Maybe not my soulmate of a mental health professional, but she seems competent and patient and helpful. She has said things that make me reevaluate my decisions. But I don't trust her about weight loss. I just don't believe her when she says that I can't control how much I lose, or that I shouldn't make goals based on a certain number on a scale. I know she's trying to help me dissociate the numbers and obsession with counting to progress. Because I fail when I stop seeing numbers go down. Or when I can't track every single thing. But today I sat here and specifically asked myself why I can't take her advice on this when I listen with baited breath to whatever she tells me about other topics. It's shitty. Maybe it's because she, too, is obese. And believes in the HAES movement. Does that make me a hypocrite? Yes, I know it does. Because my brain says, if she knows all this why is she like me. If she's so smart and knowledgeable, why isn't she the picture of perfect health. I know, logically, that this is a stupid take. And hypocritical. And unfair. But it feels like another mental block I can't get over. I'm afraid of being obese or overweight anymore. I don't like looking in the mirror. It's a me problem that has nothing to do with her. I do not think less of her because of her weight. But I still have such a hard time subconsciously (and now, consciously I guess) taking the advice she's giving me.
The way I see myself colors how I feel that others see me. I don't want to appear to be starting over again. I hate this place. It sucks. I want to lay on the ground and have a screaming crying tantrum about it. I did this to me. No one can get me out of here but me. And the only person I'd actually be raging against, is... me. But in my head, I'm raging against all the people who have called me fat, or "cute for a big girl," or noticed that I lost weight and said how amazing I look now that I've "slimmed down," or said I was hot but that if I lost weight I'd probably lose my tits, or the bulimic former best friend of mine who said she'd kill herself if she ever weighed 200lbs (not knowing at the time that I was 203lbs), or my mother who has commented on my weight since I can remember (first when I was 9 or 10 in a dressing room where she said I was "poured into" a pair of pants). I'm just fucking angry at them. For making me feel worse than I already felt. For instilling a lifetime of self-consciousness into me. And at myself. For internalizing the years-old comments of people who don't think about me at all. I'm just fucking angry.
I love how I feel when I lose even 5-10 pounds. It's easier to move. It's easier to breathe. I can participate in more of the activities I love. I feel better in my body. My clothes fit better. My husband notices my confidence. Anyone who has checked my post history knows I struggled before Thanksgiving with not wanting to give up. And, well, here I am. To be a healthy weight, I need to lose a solid 60 pounds. To feel good in my body and move easier and feel confident I know I only need to lose about 10-15. I've been there recently and it feels amazing.
I have tried so many ways to lose. I have done strict CICO with a food scale. I have done IF. I have used Noom. I have listened to podcasts about losing. It literally ALL works for me. So why do I keep quitting? I'm so afraid of being seen as someone who keeps failing to lose weight that I keep failing. And I'm so angry. I need to learn that I can slip up and not completely derail. I need to start again.
TLDR: Hi, it's me, I'm starting over again. I need to work on some shit. And I'm fueled by rage this time.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/SFvkqCf
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