Saturday, December 31, 2022

I have utterly failed

I'm 35M, 5'8" tall. My starting weight was 172, just a bit into the overweight range. Tomorrow morning I leave for a trip to the Bahamas. Two months ago I decided to set myself a goal of losing ~10 lbs to trim a little off my gut for the beach. I've been wanting to lose this weight for a while now but I felt like this deadline would be a good motivator, rather than doing something like starting on new year's with a vague deadline-free future.

I set myself a 750 cal deficit. For six weeks, I logged everything in Cronometer. I weighed everything on a food scale where applicable. I went to the gym about four times per week. The weight started to come off slowly. Not 1.5 lbs per week like I hoped, but about 1 lb. I got down to around 167 lbs, so 5 lost. Not great, but making progress.

Then my dad died.

I know, I know, it's okay to stumble after a major event like that and I can't expect to stay completely focused. But in the span of the following single week, I gained all of it back. And not like "I had more food in my system so it seemed like more", but "the following weeks have shown that it stuck". So one of two things happened: either 1. my initial weight loss wasn't real, and it was just having less mass in my GI tract, and somehow all my careful logging was for naught, or 2. in that last week, I ate 4000 Cals per day, every day, to gain it back. I didn't even feel like I was binging. I was just eating normally and not bothering to care about my goals.

So then I thought "okay, well I have two more weeks before the trip to lose a bit again". As of this morning, my total weight loss is... drumroll... zero. Absoutely zero. I'm exactly where I started. The entire past ten weeks of being hungry, careful logging, weighing, working out, all a total waste of my time. And this isn't the first time this has happened.

It's extremely frustrating to feel like my body wants to be this weight, where if I don't actively fight against it for the rest of my life, I'll always weigh this much. Worse, the "anchor weight" that I reset to keeps gradually increasing. Ten years ago, I weighed 152! And that was without dieting or working out, I just at less, naturally. I even managed to get into the 140s for my wedding. Then a few years later it was 156. Then 164. Then 168. Now it's 172. Every time I lose a bit, I eventually lose track of focusing on my weight to get back to the rest of my life, and I spring right back to where I started in less than half the time it took me to lose it.

Sorry for the wall of text.

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