I didn’t really know what subreddit to put this in but I’ve been on a weight loss journey for the past 5 years with ups and downs. I’ve successfully lost 110lbs (23F, 5’5, 155lbs) and have been working on losing these last 10-15lbs. This year however, has been challenging as I’ve been so stressed from work and then recently diagnosed with a condition that affects my ability to walk from time to time. I’ve only lost 5lbs this year, if anything I’ve really been maintaining unintentionally.
But, all this public talk about Ariana Grande has started to affect me. It’s not just public talk about her but videos and photos circulating from her tour, new music video, wicked, IG posts, tik tok videos etc. It’s really starting to get to me. I’ve blocked her on my socials and am limiting my activity in her Reddit subs and anything related to her.
Normally I weigh my food, track calories, and I’ve always weighed myself everyday and have consistently these past 2 years, it was helpful for me to get used to the fluctuations and have actual data to use. But, this week it was affecting my mental so I decided to just put the scale away for 1-2 weeks.
I’m trying to practice healthy portion control and hunger cues but just when find myself enjoying my meals and thinking about my next meal or snack it’s like images of Ariana pop into my head and my brain’s like “no don’t eat that, look at Ariana, she barely eats and she’s just fine” Other times I’ll be snacking on something like some gummies and feel guilty and think man I need to spit it out quickly and sometimes I do but then other times I have to snap myself out of that thinking and I have to tell myself it’s okay to have these things and gummies aren’t the enemy. My mind feels like it’s in SHAMBLES. It’s soo frustrating and hard. I’ve struggled with an ED in middle school, never hospitalized or anything but I lost a significant amount of weight fast forward I gained it all (hence the 100lbs weight loss) but after losing 100lbs in a healthy way I thought I’d finally overcome all this disordered thinking.
I don’t know what to do. Right now I’m just trying to do my best to remind myself my body deserves to be nourished and food is the fuel for a healthy life and a healthy life is the real reward. And I’m trying my best to make meals I actually love and looking up new recipes to help me enjoy creating new meals. But it’s like in the back of my head I feel like I’m dancing on the line between a healthy relationship with food & body and disordered eating. I do see a therapist but not for ED or body dysmorphia but would love some communal support here 😭
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