2024 is when I would say my weight loss journey actually started. At the time I was 233 lbs in my freshmen year of high school , my highest ever weight that I know of, and that was when I decided to make a change. What motivated me the most was how I viewed myself; I hate myself. I hate how I look, how my clothes fit on me, etc. I needed a change. It was going good for a while; between October 2024 and June 2025 I had lost a considerable amount of weight (60-70 pounds). I was 153, confident, and could finally breathe. Until I went on a trip to Europe…
I do want to point out that the way I lost those 60-70 pounds was not healthy. I would eat one meal a day. That was it. Maybe two. I worked out 5x a week so I thought it was normal.
Between late June 2025 and early July 2025 I went to Germany, Switzerland and Austria with a group of people led by one of my old teachers. I had a blast and to this day it is one of my most fondest memories. The problem was that I had lost all self control on this trip. I told myself, “When will I ever go back to Europe? I can eat what I want.” So I ate. I ate and ate and ate on that trip. We did a lot of walking, we walked practically everywhere, so I didn’t feel as bad at the time. When I got back home I told myself that this was just a slight hiccup. It also didn’t help that my birthday was soon approaching in the same month (July). I gained 6 pounds over the week and a half I was in Europe and probably a few more pounds during the week of my birthday.
After everything was said and done I realized the self control I had built up for months was gone and I was right back where I started. The more I gained the worst I felt and I gorged myself on food. Whole pizzas, entire family size bags of chips, extra this and extra that from fast food places. My self confidence plummeted and with that did my composure. Along with all of this I struggle with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and Depression as well as Trichtotillomania (I don’t know if I spelt that right). I would pull out my hair when I got stressed. All of these problems started a chain reaction of self destruction that I’m still trying to fix today.
There were times that I tried to make a change. There were times I would try to restrict my eating like I did all those months ago, (BAD IDEA) and then I binged. Not only do I binge every day I also am a compulsive eater. As I’m typing this there is currently an empty pizza box in my room. I don’t go out; over the course of my 2 month summer I have stayed in my house 80% of the time. I was doing good for a bit. I joined a Strength and Conditioning summer camp that I did for a few weeks. I quit because my anxiety got to me; all of those girls were not only more athletic than me but they could keep up. I couldn’t. I lagged behind when it came time to run, I couldn’t keep up with snake laps, I was the slowest. All of this crushed my self esteem more than it already was and I quit.
I’m still stuck to this day as I’m typing this. I don’t know what to do anymore; I feel so hopeless. I start school in about 3 days, junior year, so I turned here. I also want to mention I take SSRIS (Zoloft and Lamotrigine) to help with my anxiety as well as birth control for my PMDD/PMS (Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder). I don’t know how to stop. If anyone can give me any sort of advice that would be appreciated.
I don’t know if this is important but I play a sport. I throw Discus and Shotput for my highschool, so I am going to be active.
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