TL;DR- I have a crazy egg donor/mother who used to beat me for loosing more weight than her, among other things. I also tend to have panic attacks when I am close to the weight where traumatic things happened in my life. My reaction to panic attacks is to go on a binge, which stops my process. Does anyone else go through this?
Howdy y'all. My Mom is Reddit famous on another sub because she's a puppy fur coat short of being an actual Disney villain. As in, my therapist who specializes in abuse and trauma actually asked if I'd ever considered she might be truly evil. Yeah, it HAD crossed my mind once or twice...
Basically, I Am Talking About My Mom, She Is Horrible, This Is A Trigger Warning.
Anyway, my Mom would force me to go on diets with her as a "diet buddy", my job was to remind her to actually do the diet and exercise plan (which if I did, I'd get screamed at and called horrible names, and sometimes hit. If I didn't her lack of results were my fault, so I'd get... you guessed it! Screamed at, called names, and sometimes hit.), and if I actually DID the plan she told me to do, as a 16-17 year old teenager who was a foot taller than her, I'd get results faster than she did... guess what happened then?
I can't tell if I am loosing or gaining weight. If I lost 20 lbs and she gained 2, I'd be screamed at for gaining weight, having no willpower, being fat, etc. Then she'd cry about how ugly I was, how I'd never know the "power of being a beautiful woman", and I'd have to comfort my mother for having such an ugly daughter. If I had gained 20 lbs and she'd lost 2, I'd get all kinds of praise. Once I had lost some weight because I was following the diet and exercise plan she'd picked for us, and she was eating ice cream every night and refusing to work out. She. Was. PISSED. While it might not sound bad, this really was- she glared at me with utter loathing and hate in her eyes, completely vibrating with rage, and made me eat an entire carton of ice cream as punishment. Being forced to binge eat ice cream does not sound bad, but the waves of rage and hatred from my Mom for doing the thing she told and nagged me to do when she had a hair trigger temper and had zero problem breaking my bones in a fit of rage (which I didn't even know were broken until I was an adult and my X-rays showed all kinds of weird things, I thought that's just how life was), was pretty awful.
I'd done something good I should have been proud of, and instead I got loathing, anger, rage and punishment.
From all of this I have a very hard time actually seeing weight loss, to the point where I can't tell the difference after loosing 50, 60, or 70 lbs. I have to have my (current, amazing) family tell me and point out the changes. It is REALLY discouraging to put in lots of gym time and effort and see zero changes at all, even when the people around me are gobsmacked, and my clothing is literally falling off. It makes it hard to keep up with positive changes when I see zero benefit.
So, I check my weight as a way of keeping up with progress. I've lost over 90 lbs, and am at 231.6 right now. Which means...
I'm about to hit 220 lbs. It was the weight I was when Bad Sexual Assault Things Happend With The Guy My Mom Wouldn't Let Me Kick Out when I was a teenager (she 'hired' my abusive boyfriend and he moved in with us, when things started getting bad I wasn't allowed to kick him out because she didn't want to pay him $30 a week.) A full decade + later, I was getting my poop in a pile and my Dad died in an accident. I haven't been able to get near 220 ever since. I realized that if I keep doing what I've been doing for the last month and stay on track... I'll be to that weight by the end of next month...
And I then was on the teetering edge of a panic attack for the rest of the day. Gibbering, awful, going black at the edge of my vision- right on the cusp ALL DAY LONG. I had a therapist and PTSD medication but with a layoff, I no longer have health insurance so that has to wait until I get another job. I just wanted to know if anyone else had these kinds of struggles and issues, and what they can do to help it.
I know this is made worse by the PTSD issues I've got (guess who gave me PTSD?), but since I'm job hunting I can't exactly do any of the things that have helped with PTSD in the past. I'm talking about weed. No go when you need to take pee tests. I have medication for the PTSD but I'm out and without insurance... it's a no go.
Sorry for the wall of text. I'm just not sure what to do. I keep sabatoging my own weight loss for what? To please a person who is not capable of loving another human being? To protect myself from not being physically abused by a woman who if she ever lays hands on me again, will go to prison?
I just wish my damn brain would shut up and let me get healthy without all this extra drama.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2ViI1GH
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