I'm not usually the sort of person to use a throwaway, but I'm also not the sort of person who likes memorializing my personal failures on my regular account, so here we are.
I've been on a weight loss journey for several years. At my highest, I was probably in the low 300s. I had RNY last year in October, when I weighed about 250. And in the past few months, I've been able to get within a stones throw of 190s. But for some reason, I never can seem to get down past 200. I've seen 201 on the scale, and I'm just as thrilled as can be with the knowledge that I'm so very close to such a huge milestone, but then... back up it goes.
For a couple of months, I thought that it was a side effect of other, logical changes in my life -- I had added exercise. First running, then weight lifting. And of course, those can increase water weight and raise the scale. But the longer it went, the more I came to suspect something else: no matter how happy I was about being so close to such a big goal, I think there's some part of me that is afraid to go under 200 pounds. And whether I realize it or not, I keep sabotaging myself.
And for me, thinking like I do, you'd think that realizing the problem would make it easier to defeat. But it almost seems as if the opposite is true -- as though realizing the sabotage enables it in some way. My life style also makes sabotage easy. A little too easy. I work in an office with limited outside food sources, but an unfortunately well-stocked snack bar. Forget lunch? Grab a snack. After all, it's only 120 calories for that bag of popcorn, and I've got room. Get frustrated with a client? 80 calorie bag of fruit snacks. That's not much, I've got room. And by the time the work day is done, I'm to the point where I've either stopped tracking out of guilt, or I've gone well over and haven't even had dinner yet.
The worst part for me is the fact that I have all the tools I should need to succeed. All the basics, like a food scale and common sense, yes. But I'm also on two fairly heavy-duty prescriptions that should zap my appetite completely as part of their side effects.
Since I think exercise is causing issues in that department, I'm cutting back on the gym for a couple of weeks, and I'm hoping that will help, but it's just... very frustrating. Up until about a month ago, I was living for the gym with running and lifting. And as a short woman, let's face it -- I can use all the help I can get with burning some extra calories. But now I just feel stuck being unable to exercise in the hopes that it will help me get my calories back under control.
I needed to vent, and vent I have. I know the main issue here is self-discipline, and I'm the only one who can do anything about that. I guess I'll ask an easy question: do you have any techniques or tools you use to stop yourself from office snacking?
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