This will probably become a rant; I apologize in advance, but I needed to get it off my chest.
I [24F] decided to track calories at the end of May. I wasn’t overweight (5ft 4 and 130lbs). I was curious why I wasn’t a lower weight or body fat percentage, consider how much I went to the gym. I realized I had huge inconsistencies in my diet. Over a week, I went from 700 calories one day to 2100 calories another. I decided to actively limit myself to 1600. The intention was to be consistent in my diet and feel better physically.
I went on a vacation and we didn’t have a car so we ended up walking 5-8 miles a day. When I got home, I was 125lbs. In high school, I struggled with an eating disorder and so it was amazing to me that I had lost weight without it being due to starvation or purging. So I decided to keep it up and try to lose weight in a safe and healthy way. My goal is 120lbs, with a lower fat percentage than before (aka more muscle).
I’ve noticed that my workplace has a toxic diet/body shaming culture. The boss will constantly bring in unhealthy snacks, refuse to have any herself, and then loudly mention if any of us have some. Most Friday’s during the last few months, she’s brought in candy and said something to me like, “There’s ten little bags in there of candy. I expect there to only be one left when you’re done with it!” I’m the youngest person in the office. She’s a nice person and super in shape, but she has deep seeded self esteem issues and she projects. A lot.
As of this morning, I’m at 121.8 lbs and I’m really fucking proud of myself. I’m proud of myself for staying healthy. I’m proud of myself for staying ABOVE 1000 calories every day. I’m proud of myself for saying no to candy and chips when I don’t need them, but forgiving myself for breaking that rule and having them on occasion. I’m proud of myself for not making myself throw up after a day of bad eating. I’m proud of myself for going on a walk nearly every day and scheduling mental health days when needed.
I told my mom and her first reaction was to tell me that it’s easy to fall into bad habits and I should be careful not to lose too much. My dad hasn’t noticed-we see each other every week. I don’t feel comfortable telling my best friend the amount of weight I lost because she works in an imagine-focused industry and is struggling with gaining weight this summer. No one at work has said anything, even though it seems pretty obvious to me. I know it’s less than 10lbs, but my old clothes are too big now, my face has slimmed down a bit, my muscles are more defined.
I’m aware of the risks of unhealthy or rapid weight loss and I DO appreciate that people in my life care about me enough to bring that up. I’m taking this time to not just change my physical habits but also the way I talk to myself.
This feels stupid to write but I just wish someone would see my hard work and progress and be proud of me. In the meantime, I’ll just have to remind myself of how far I’ve come and remember to be kind to myself.
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