2017 - 2018: Hovered around the same 10 pounds all year while agonizing over every calorie.
2019: I've gone from 275 to 230 in 4 months, mostly without much effort.
There's a 2018 - 2019 gap in the timeline above. In this time, rather than focusing on CICO, I was doing inner work: Mentality, awareness, and unpacking emotional eating. That's made all the difference.
The first time I tried CICO I had not idea what emotional eating was. If you asked me if I used it as a coping mechanism for unpleasant things, I'd have cited my discipline in not eating refined sugar for 10 years as well as the fact that I was counting calories. I had receipts for putting in a good effort. But I really didn't understand what lay underneath those efforts and was silently sabotaging them. My mind was unwell and I was using food as a way to feel better.
In 2018, I found myself starting to display binge behavior for the first time in my life. It was terrifying. It was out of control (very not me). So, I decided to get a health coach. What she taught me, in my opinion, was the big difference between attempt 1 and attempt 2 (now).
People eat for all kinds of reasons. Celebrations, fueling for a workout, letting loose with friends, etc. Nothing about this is morally good/bad. By applying moral judgments to eating, you add pressure. We want what we "can't" have. That's why people fixate on "cheat" days and "good"/"bad" foods. There is no moral component to what you eat, when you eat, or even how much. There is only what serves you. There is only what you really want. Understanding what's really driving you takes a ton of work to untangle because the brain has complex ways of trying to keep you safe.
This health coach let me eat whatever I wanted, in whatever quantity. But what she didn't let me do was eat while distracted. No tv, no phone, no eating on the go or standing up leaning over a counter/sink. At a table. Focused on each and every morsel. She had me keep a diary of how hungry I felt before the meal and afterward. Did I let myself get so hungry that I would eat literally everything? Avoid doing that. Did I eat to the point of feeling unwell? Avoid doing that. The bottom line, be in the present moment, pay attention, focus on the hunger cues specifically.
Over weeks, the idea that I had been eating for emotional reasons became clear in a way that I would never have been able to see before that. So often, I thought I was ravenous but I was really fucking stressed out and needing some psychological support. I would eat, never feel full, and get so frustrated. I was chasing ghosts. These wires get crossed in many many people for perfectly valid reasons. For me, I grew up with food insecurity, which makes my relationship with food/abundance atypical. I also was physically abused for the first 20 years of my life and have developed quite effective ways of dissociating unpleasant emotions to be a high functioning person.
Differentiating between stress and hunger is a skill. It's hard, especially if you've had a stressful life like I've had. And this coach helped me see that. Without unpacking that last year, this year's progress wouldn't have been the same at all. Over time, I learned to focus specifically on hunger, like becoming aware of a specific muscle. Over time, I realized just how crossed the wires have been. I did this work for 9 months, leading up to my 2nd CICO attempt (July 2019 - today). I lost the first 20 pounds without realizing that's what had happened. I wasn't weighing myself at first, just focusing on respecting my hunger cues while being conservative with what I've been eating. Focusing on protein, avoiding carbs, eating out only once in a while, and cooking nearly everything I eat via meal prep.
Compared to the first attempt, this time has been easy. I feel like I have a relationship with my body. I feel like I finally know how to listen to it and respect it while guiding it in more healthy directions.
If you're struggling, I very much recommend looking into emotional eating and doing some work there. And realize that not all the progress you make will be reflected on the scale. Last year when I did this vital work of unpacking the relationship between my stress & eating patterns, I gained weight. And yet, that work has led to where I have gotten over the last few months. It feels very much like the metaphor of an iceberg, there's so much going on under the surface of what the scale only just now showing.
So good luck punching life in the face...but be patient. Be kind to yourself. Take care of all the parts of you, especially your emotional health. If you're like me, there's a part of you needing help, needing support, needing love, and eating food only covers this up and keeps you stuck in a place of perpetual distress. That part of you needs help. Make that part of your weight loss efforts. It may transform your life. It has mine. :)
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