TW:ED Right now I feel like I will never lose weight. I’m at my highest weight. I don’t recognise myself in the mirror anymore, and most of my clothes don’t fit me. I’m eating like a pig. But the main thing is, I’m scared of attempting to lose the weight because of my past with disordered eating. I will add a comment explaining it, I don’t want the post to be too long. Basically, I lost around 25 pounds very quickly, developed BED, and during my 2 month long vacation gained around 30 pounds eating like a pig. Right now, I don’t eat as much as during that time, but still eat a lot, I would say around 3000 calories a day. And I hate looking in the mirror, I became overweight and I hate it. I just want to be at a healthy weight. But that period of starving myself/binging/purging/starving was so terrible for me physically and mentally, that I really really don’t want to fall into that cycle again. And because of that, every time I try to eat healthy now and lose weight/work out, makes me scared that I am eating too little (even though when “dieting” I eat around 1500/1600), and that it will trigger my binge eating. So I end up eating more, but then I get so discouraged because when I go on the scale after 2 weeks and see that I’ve only lost 1 pound, I feel like this will take forever and I already cry almost every morning when I dress up because nothing fits me like it used to. So losing weight so slowly is pointless to me, and I start eating lots of food again. All the time I have thoughts of doing a crash diet just to lose the first few pounds quickly, and then switching to a high restriction diet and just lose more slowly, when I’m quite comfortable with my body and can handle such slow weight loss. But I am scared that if I do this the same thing will happen again, I will gain everything right back and more. Right now I really hate myself so much and don’t want to gain even more weight. But I don’t want to go back to the old me that was scared to eat one apple, or spending 3 hours in the bathroom trying to purge my huge McDonalds order. I don’t know what to do I really just want a healthy relationship with food and with my body and not be overweight :((((
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