So, 9 months ago - I absolutely amazed myself. I had gone 5 months on CICO, lost 35 pounds, and it had made things amazing for me. (38/f - 5'5") I went from 185lbs and hit 149 - the 150's had been a dream but I found the 140's and I was actually DOING IT... even if it was only 149 (Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/loseit/comments/a7xxip/the_140s_140s/ ) I was feeling confident in my clothing, could feel differences even in how I felt when I laid in bed, it was so great. My goal, is between 125-135.
I didn't want to post this. I'm ashamed. I did so well... I had so much confidence in myself because I was actually DOING it and if I could do it, anyone can.
I think I can pinpoint the moment that ruined my progress ... I do realize it didn't need to, but it seems it did. I know lots of people can handle cheat days, etc... and I did great on CICO knowing I could eat what I wanted as long as it stayed within my caloric limits, so I was having small amounts of dessert foods, etc and it was working. I'm not saying I cut them out completely, and that, I think is what made my weight loss a success.
But at the Christmas celebration, surrounded by butter tarts, and chocolates, and sugar cookies and the millions of Christmas treats, I decided to give myself a Christmas present. My present was that for that one day - I would allow myself to let go. Eat what you want, don't worry about calories... and I did. And it was delicious. And all those sugary things were amazing and I really did enjoy my 'day off'.
The next morning, I was resolute to continue on my CICO journey. But somehow, I derailed it. Day after day I allowed myself more sugary treats than I should have, I gave in to cravings which now seemed stronger than they had in the past 5 months. I stopped logging because I was tired of it and I was going over every day anyway. I mean, New Years meant snacks and drinks, then there's all the leftovers, then there's several birthdays in my family in the month of January, and I kept telling myself "You haven't failed yet, you'll get back on track". Well. I never did. Many times in the last 9 months I've tried and I just can't stick to it like I did before. I'm back up to 165lbs. No, I didn't gain it all back, and I do make sure I still walk, etc. But I've gone back to accepting cake/donuts and work. I have craved chips and chocolate and sat at my desk and ate way over what I should have of those things. The walks are not going to reverse that or come even close to burning off the extra I was/am eating. And now my clothes are starting to feel tighter and uncomfortable again.
I wore a bikini last December. First time in like, 25 years. I was so proud. Maybe I wasn't "quite" ready for it... but I did it anyway. Now I look at that picture and feel defeated. Like, I had it, and I messed it all up. And why can't I just get back on track? I find myself wondering how I ever did it for 5 months before???? I find cravings so bad and I just want to eat all the damn bad things!!!
Anyhow. Like I said, I feel like a failure posting this post. After my success post about getting to the 140's, and here I am... failed. I know many will say it's not failure and maybe it's not because I'm painfully aware of it. But 9 months is a huge 'setback'. And I've tried in the last couple of weeks to get back on track, but I always find a reason to eat that piece of pie or dive into that delicious dish of nachos. Have those couple drinks with friends (which btw always leads to bad eating decisions, because my inhibitions are out the window and man I love chips).
I'm not sure if posting this will change anything. But I put it out there. Maybe someone else is dealing with the same thing. I'm going to try again here. And next time, if I am successful, I won't allow myself to derail so badly and no more 'free for all' gifts to myself in the form of sugar. I think for me, the solution will be to vow to go as low on sugar as I can for a week or two, until I'm no longer craving it (hopefully) and try to reset from there. Here we go again.
To all of you out there in the loseit family, you've helped me so much and I just wanted to air my grievances about myself. Hopefully by next summer maybe I can wear the bikini again? Would be a shame to just leave it in that dark drawer its sitting in now...
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