Hi everyone! I've been lurking here for a while now, and finally feel brave enough to post. Firstly, I want to thank this community as a whole for being so helpful, informative and motivating! I've taken a lot of advice to heart, even if it was posted for someone else.
My stats (just in case it matters): 26F / 159cm / SW 64,5kgs / CW 58kgs / GW 53kgs
I was in great shape and really happy with my body in my teen years (didn't ever binge, very active). At the age of 19, I weighed 50kgs and had visible abs. Then my dad died in a freak accident which basically turned my entire life upside down. I was completely alone in life after losing my only involved parent (who was also my best friend). I dropped out of university and basically turned to food and alcohol for comfort. Without realising it, I gained 24kgs. I didn't care much for the next 2 years. At 21, I lost most of this weight by essentially starving myself and exercising excessively. The weight stayed off for about two years, then started to creep back.
Last year, I reached an all-time low regarding body image / self-esteem. I met my amazing partner who is in the best shape of his life, and instead of inspiring me, this initially made me feel even more down and demotivated. I constantly felt like I needed to be in better shape in order to be with someone like him. Anyway, I finally asked him for help this year, and I did a very clean keto for the first time in April/May for 4 weeks. I should mention we were long distance and I was flying across the world every 4-6 weeks for 18 months, always staying with people as a guest, which made it a bit hard to eat whatever I wanted (for example, I felt it rude to turn down the dinner that was prepared because I personally thought it was unhealthy, so I always ate whatever was in front of me). In July of this year, I finally moved to his country and we got a house together. Being in control of my food in my own home is the best feeling, especially after a year and a half of travelling! This has contributed hugely to my current success, because I can prepare healthy meals and use my food scale for everything.
That brings us to the present. After the initial joy and celebration of me moving, I decided to buckle down at the beginning of September when I weighed 64,5kgs. We did keto again, but with little success. I dropped to 60,5kgs and then got stuck. This is when I discovered the magic of CICO through this subreddit (I honestly have no clue how I hadn't heard about it before). I'm now down to 58kgs, but struggling with obsessive behaviour, under-eating and extremely negative thoughts. I decided to stop keto today, and keep doing CICO with healthy carbs included.
Here's where I get to my point as stated in the title: the logical part of my brain knows it's stupid to eat 600-800 calories a day, and yet that's what I've been doing. Logically, my aim should be 1200, a little more when I run 5km+. For what it's worth, I eat nutrient-rich foods 95% of the time. Think eggs, nuts, leafy green veggies, fruit, chicken, fish. My BMI, body fat %, weight etc. tell me I'm in the normal range, but I look in the mirror and still see myself as disgustingly fat. I exercise to the point of almost throwing up / passing out, all the while telling myself that I'm a lazy piece of shit - but I'm literally busy running 5km for the 5th time this week, so that doesn't even make sense?!? I'm clearly not lazy, and I would never speak to someone else like that, so why do I do it to myself? I feel like I need to be punished for every piece of chocolate or slice of pizza, even when I'm still well under 1000 calories for the day and it's only one slice of pizza in 4 weeks. I'm losing weight, but it's just not fast enough according to the mean thoughts in my head. I literally don't think or talk about anything besides weight loss.
I'm just frustrated and I want to love myself and my body more. My partner is incredibly supportive but also voicing a lot of concern, and I get the feeling he's tired of constantly reassuring me so I'm scared to keep going on about it all the time. The only other thing that helps my negative thoughts is reading encouragement on this sub. (Again, thank you.)
I want to lose weight sustainably and be happy and healthy in the long term. Logically, I know I need to be patient and go easy on myself. Life isn't magically going to begin at my goal weight, life is already happening right now. I want to enjoy it. I want to be present with my partner and friends, and talk about anything besides calories, exercising and losing weight.
Does anyone have any tips on how to change this thought pattern? How can I help the logical side triumph? It's exhausting being at war with myself. :(
I'm really sorry this post is so long and sounds like I'm just rambling. If even one person made it to the end - thank you so, so much! I really appreciate you taking the time to read my story.
[link] [comments]
from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2IPTqJN
No comments:
Post a Comment