What made it finally "click" for you?

I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible, but I'm really struggling here, so any advice you could give would be much appreciated.

Since 2002 I've been struggling with morbid obesity. I've lost significant amounts of weight (I'm talking in the 50kg range) seven times now, but I've always ALWAYS put it all back on, often within months of losing it. I've seen dieticians and nutritionists, have been on a number of different plans (low fat, low cal, low carb, IIFYM, intuitive eating) and have been in a number of different therapies to help as well (psychologist, life coach, hypnotherapist). I also have a personal trainer who I like, I do weight lifting, trail running and boot camp, so when I do actually exercise, I know what to do and I enjoy it. I have a huge amount of self-awareness around my condition, triggers, emotions, etc, thanks to all the therapy - basically I've been doing this a long time, and I know what works for me and what doesn't. (Although yes, obviously, there is always more to learn and discover.)

My issue is this - I just CAN'T stay at a healthy weight, or even reach my goal weight. In March I was down to 93kg and feeling really good about things, however due to over-training I screwed up my back and couldn't train for months, so what did I do? Felt sorry for myself, and binge ate and binge drank my way back up to 125kg, where I am now. 32kg up in 5 months. That's impressive, even for me. I do know that my one huge issue is the all or nothing thing - I'm either eating brilliantly, staying sober and training like a machine, or lying on the couch surrounded by takeaway boxes, empty bottles of wine and self-loathing - there is no in-between.

I'm 42 now, and I just don't know if I have the energy for this anymore. Last year I swore this was the last time I would be doing this, and I lost over 30kg, but now I've put it back on again, so it's back to the grindstone. And just thinking about all the work ahead of me is exhausting.

So (FINALLY) my question is this - when did it "click" for you - being able to lose the weight and change your habits permanently to ensure sustained weight loss and healthy living? I had 1.5 years of sobriety and healthy habits at one point, and it still didn't click - all the weight found me again. Does it ever click? Or is it always going to be this hard, every single day, fighting against your binge-eating remote-control-loving instincts? I have one more last-ditch effort left in me and then I really think I might be done. So this needs to be the last time - any and all advice welcome, please.

Sorry for this being so long, and for not giving lb weight conversions - I'm late for work so I don't have time, apologies!

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