The other day I came to the realization that I will not be able to lose this weight and keep it off. I've been coming to terms lately with my abusive upbringing and the specific traumas I dealt with between the ages of 7 and 9. It's obvious to me now that if you look at pictures of me at 7 and you look at pictures of me at 9 I went from skinny to chubby. It also didn't help that starting at 2 my mother would use food to pacify me. So if I was crying in the middle of the night she'd take me to McDonald's.
Specifically my mother started dating an abusive man at 7. At 8 I was molested. At 9 my grand father died and in between all of that my father vanished from my life. Add onto that I'm gay and I have this awful mixture of hyper sexuality as a coping mechanism because I fear losing people and that being gay is kind of like being a woman. There is a huge focus on your self worth being directly tied to your looks. I can't lose weight in a healthy fashion because the moment the scale says the wrong number I think, "I'm not good enough. I have no value. No one loves me. I'm expendable because I'm fat." Of course that leads to binging, sex or both. Even positive comments on my weight loss can lead to binging because I fear I won't lose weight fast enough. I won't become valuable fast enough.
I've had success in the past losing weight. The fact that I have this tendency between weight loss and personal value means whenever I feel down I binge, which makes me feel fat, which makes me feel less valuable, which leads to more binging.
I realize that no matter what I do. I will not be able to keep wait off unless I can break this link between weight loss and value in my mind.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2YpIWIa
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