So I lost a little over 40 lbs in a little over 6 months by counting and tracking calories (and by weighing/measuring every morsel of food and cooking at home more often).
I was working on my NEXT goal, which was to maintain that loss for 2 years so I could qualify to register with the national weight loss database and talk about not just how I lost it, but how I kept it off for 2 years, and planned to keep it off forever! I just had to make it to October 15, 2019! I'm THAT CLOSE!
Then, a while ago, I noticed that I was hovering closer to the top end of my goal window (a 5-lb window to account for cyclic water and weight fluctuations) instead of near the bottom, as I initially did. No big deal--that's why I had a goal window and not a goal point! Then I was kissing the ceiling. Then I was hovering just over and under. I told myself alternately that I needed to buckle down and knock out this 5 lbs and that I was fine! All the while, I've been more stressed (about other stuff, like money, and work stress, and the death of my mother, and all the family dynamics that have surrounded that, and trying to work through some marital issues), working out less, and even neglecting other parts of my health (not taking my calcium or calcitriol so my calcium levels fell pretty low, and my doc, who's rather chill, even got on my case about it) and the weight just kept creeping up and up. But I was no longer noticing because I was no longer weighing in even once a week. This weekend we went camping, and I noticed that all of my clothes were noticeably more snug than they were last time I wore them. And when I got dressed for work afterwards, yeah, my work clothes are definitely more tight, and I need to quit pretending they're not.
How did I get here? By going out to dinner, and eating all of it instead of a reasonable portion. By eating not just one work donut, but 3. By boredom-snacking. By indulging in a giant bowl of ultra-butter popcorn on movie night, instead of a single portion of low-cal popcorn. By drinking all the coffee creamer I want throughout the day instead of just a measured 2T in the morning, and then sticking to black after that. By quitting going to the gym because, well, it's 45 minutes away already, but local construction was pushing that up to over an hour, and we're going to be moving closer by the end of the year, so I may as well wait for the move, and all sorts of other flawed "waiting for this to do that" thinking. By taking a more sedentary position at work, and not making up for it with being more active at home. By completely letting my guard down and thinking I was still a young, active 20-something with a mildly overactive thyroid who could eat whatever and still be thin, instead of the true me: a middle aged woman with no thyroid at all who absolutely must eat less and move more to stay thin!
I just stepped on the scale for the first time in about a month. I am officially, this morning, 7.6 lbs over the top weight of my goal weight window. That means I'm 12.6 lbs over the bottom of the window, which is where I need to aim for in order for any fluctuations to stay within the window. Well, crap. So now I can't ignore it.
I just logged my first meal in many months. And I almost didn't do it until after I ate because I'm so out of practice that I almost forgot my rule to always log before I eat so I'm not blind-sided after the fact! And I'm really, really not looking forward to this. I'm not looking forward to the emotional baggage that comes with feeling hungry when you grew up with extreme food scarcity. I'm absolutely not looking forward to telling my husband, because I know it's also stressful for him because I get crabby when I'm hungry, and we can't be as spontaneous with our dinner plans, even though I know he'll be supportive just like he was last time (and this time he might actually join me).
And the last 15? It's the hardest! and that's all I have to lose is 10-12 lbs! That is not going to be fast, because it's hard to make a deficit at this point! And that's when the completely useless, counter-productive, really ridiculous self-pitying comes in, and like a freaking addict, I start trying to make excuses in my head about why I shouldn't start YET!
But it is time. So here I am, back in my old stomping grounds, the place that I used to visit daily when I was losing the first time, that got me through so many rough spots, and kept me going even when I wanted to quit. And I'm counting on you guys to help me get through one more 10 lb loss!
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