Hi! So I’m 22f and pretty much over the past year I’ve gained about 30 pounds going from around 170 lbs to 200, which is the heaviest I’ve ever been. Before that I had gained about 20 lbs from my thinnest weight, around 150 which didn’t last long and was only because I got pretty sick at one point. Otherwise, my lowest weight with working out and conscious eating was 160-165. That was about 2.5 years ago. Even then and at my lowest weight I still wanted to lose more weight, but was still proud of my body, felt really healthy, and was happy. I’m very curvy and have an athletic build, so I think that a goal weight around 150 would be reasonable and what I’d like to strive for. A number of life and mental health things have led me to this current weight.
I want to lose weight not only to gain back my confidence, but also to feel comfortable and healthy, you know, wearing clothes you like and not having your thighs and butt chafe so badly that you can’t move.
I want to lose weight, but I’m having a terrible time getting back the intrinsic motivation to do so. Specifically, I just went through a break-up that really didn’t help my self-esteem. We weren’t physical for the last probably four months of the relationship, and while I know this does not define me, it still really got to me. This person was also very vocal about women he found attractive to me. He would go out of his way, ask me if I thought anyone was cute, specifically so he could feel okay about pointing out a girl he found “absolutely stunning.” He also had mostly girl friends, and his closest friend was a girl who does nude modeling and is stick thin. Again, I know none of these things are actually about me. However, I can’t stop thinking about them. I can’t stop thinking about his best friend and how I don’t look like that and maybe that’s why he didn’t want anything to do with my body. There were a lot of other things going on and he said it was emotional, but I can’t help but doubt him.
When I think about logging calories, working out, drinking more water, starting small, etc etc I want to but I get so frustrated. I know that if I actually want to lose 50 pounds, it’s going to take real time and dedication. I wish I had the motivation to do that. And sometimes I do. I think about how unhappy I was at one point, how I took the necessary steps to get healthier (when I was around 160 I had lost about 25 lbs) and how great it felt.
But right now I am so stuck on where I am not. I keep thinking about his model friend. I keep thinking about how he didn’t want me. I keep thinking about how things might have been different if I were thinner. Sometimes the sadness and anger fuels me, like I could get healthier to spite him. But that doesn’t last long, because I just get sad about how long it will take and how long until I could actually be happy with my body again.
Logically I know that I have to start here, that I can go forwards or backwards and that’s my choice. I want to go forwards. But I’m really struggling about these what-if thoughts, letting them depress me and letting that feeling overwhelm my desire to change. What if I can never look like his friend? Is it even worth it then? This is my constant spiral.
I know a lot of this is not just about weight loss and has an emotional aspect, but I thought this would be a good sub for it.
Has anyone been here before? Does anyone have advice on getting past this?
I really want to get healthy. I want to get my confidence back and stop letting this hold me back. I really want something different, but how do I push through these thoughts?
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