I thought my first post here would be a celebratory post when I reached my goal weight. But I needed to talk to myself, in front of witnesses, about how I want to proceed from here.
Scale Victories:
5'8" and female
Highest Weight on Record: 297 pounds in Summer of 2016
When I decided I wanted to build a relationship with the gym: 275 pounds in February of 2019
When I accepted that calories really do matter: 260 pounds in August of 2019
Current weight: 220 pounds
Goal weight: 180 pounds
Non-scale victories:
- My original non-scale goal was to be able to walk into a martial arts center, to learn Muay Thai, without any shame or concern about not being able to keep up. I made that goal in 2016. I've reached that goal. I can't fulfill that goal yet due to financial constraints, but I can do it whenever my wallet says it's okay. My body doesn't stop me from trying new things.
- I bought my favorite pair of pants I was 21. I grew out of them when I was 24. I'll be 29 soon. I've kept them all of this time, when I threw out other clothes that were too small, because I wanted to fit in those pants again. I was able to fit into them in March. On good days, they're loose. I make them look incredible.
- Exercise has empowered me. The gym is a place of power for me. I cried the day my gym closed for Covid 19. I'm proud of me for creating alternatives.
- I can run now. I dislocated my left knee when I was a kid, and I had to quit the basketball team. I've believed that running was an impossibility since then. I made excuses because I didn't want to hurt myself and being on crutches really sucks. But I've learned that my knee allows me to run with only the typical complaints. When we went into quarantine, I had to find a gym alternative. So, I started walking outside. I started running in April. I'm not very good at it. I still walk when the pain reaches a certain point, but I've learned a lot. I finally learned the B fist on Monday, and it changed everything. I'm proud of me for losing 11 pounds during quarantine. I could have quit.
- If someone that I'm attracted to doesn't show any interest in me, I don't blame it on my looks anymore. Everyone has a preference. Maybe I'm not that person's type. But I don't immediately blame my body anymore.
Remaining Challenges:
I think I've plateaued. I've been 220 or 219 for a month now. I thought I knew what a plateau was like. There have been times that my weight paused. But it never lasted much more than a week or two, and then, I would lose several pounds all at once. This is different.
I've been counting calories for 302 days. I'm proud.
And I'm disappointed. I wanted to watch the pounds consistently drop all the way to the end. I'm having trouble breaking this plateau because it's getting harder to reduce my calorie count to stay ahead of my weight loss. It's especially hard to eat less on days when I run.
My stress level has increased during quarantine for many reasons. One of those reasons is that I've started the habit of weighing myself every day when I noticed that my weight stopped dropping, just hoping that maybe I was wrong. Maybe this isn't a plateau. Maybe today is the day I'll see a few pounds drop. And that habit isn't okay anymore. It's causing cyclical stress.
I need to stop weighing myself for a while.
I won't stop counting calories. I want to maintain my food awareness. I deserve good and healthy food. I deserve the rush of endorphins through rigorous and brilliantly painful exercise.
Calorie deficit is the focus again. I'm not going to allow the scale to demoralize me to the point of defeat, and the scale is going in my closet until further notice.
It's okay to take a break from the scale, Myself. It doesn't mean you're a quitter. You've been put on mandatory vacation. Keep counting and keep moving.
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