I’m having a really hard time losing weight. I know I need therapy, eating disordered specific therapy because I’ve had almost every eating disorder, and I can tell trauma isn’t letting me lose the way I’d like to.
I’m angry at my whole family, but very especially at my mother. She was a single parent and raised me in my grandparent’s home. It was a really unhealthy dynamic. Lots of manipulation in telling her she couldn’t take care of herself and me on her own, but making her feel like she really wasn’t welcomed and that the both of us there were a burden. It more so circulated through family members than directly being said to our faces.
I have already lost 35lbs. I have to lose about 165 more to get to my healthy weight. I’m so frustrated because it’s really hard for me to just stick with weight loss. I’m not used to being healthy or working towards health. I grew up being a very overweight child after about age 7, and then an obese teen turned anorexic/bulimic and a “normal” weight, back to being a severely obese adult.
I feel defeated and that my body is ruined, and I’m so angry that it’s all I think about. My weight has ALWAYS been at the forefront of my brain. I’d love to know how far I could have gone in life (I’m 32) thus far if I’d actually been able to focus on things other than how fat I was and looked. My family tormented me about weight and food. Kids in school did the same. I’ve never had reprieve from it, especially because I am bogged down by all this weight now.
I know I need to be in therapy very badly, but I can’t be in it right this very minute but I feel I have to lose the weight chronically starting right now. Like I can’t waste another second being like this.
Sometimes I think my mother is trying to sabotage my life because she fucked her’s up so badly. Idk what to do anymore.
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