[TRIGGER WARNING: MENTION OF ED’S ]
So I want to start this by saying I really don’t know what I’m doing so bare with me.
I started my weight loss journey when I was 14, I was 190 and used very unhealthy methods and dropped to 170 in the span of a couple months. I gained an eating disorder and I am still dealing with it. This was December 2019 - July 2020. I then shortly after, gained most of the weight back but I was still down a couple pounds.
I was dealing with a lot of family issues and food was a way to feel good for me. At this point, it’s now around July! I’ve moved with my dad and was feeling ambitious. I had goals and I knew what weight I wanted to be. We didn’t have a scale and when I went to my dads girlfriend’s (at the time) house I weighed 183. Not pretty but not bad for my height (5’ 11”). I was still down from my initial starting weight.
My dad stopped talking to her so that meant no more scale. Completely in the dark when it comes to what number would eventually show on that scale. I downloaded a calorie counting app and was trying to eat at a deficit of 1500 calories. I have no idea if it worked or not but I am assuming not.
I would go back with my mom on long school breaks and holidays. I’m fully online so I’m able to do that. At my moms house I wasn’t as monitored when it came to eating. My mom never checked to make sure I ate, and never had time to cook so takeout is usually the option. Everyday I was eating 6 bags of chips drinking 4 glasses of juice and finishing the night with pizza and ice cream.
This pattern happens every time I am there so I would say 2 - 3 months of this behavior. Again no scale so I had no idea. That leads us to yesterday, I finally asked my dad to get a scale because I wanted to “see if my sister gained weight” which, was true, but not the only reason. I wanted to see if I had maintained my weight of 180’s and see where I was starting for the upcoming summer.
Today as I’m walking downstairs for dinner, I see it and get nervous. I ignored it and went to eat my dinner. As I’m doing my dishes I bring it up because I thought my sister had gained weight (for context my entire family is really skinny). She puts in the batteries and gets on. She’s 116 and had maintained her weight flawlessly. Me and her predicted I would be around 170 - 180. I step on a little and see the number fly up to 200. I get off immediately and try to laugh it off. A couple seconds later I got on and saw that my weight was 210.6... I felt like crying. My lifetime biggest weight... My dad who is in the military was 190... wearing his uniform.
I’m sharing this story as a cry for help. My mind is racing with thoughts about how I am not going to eat when I go to my moms and how I’ll lose the weight but I’m scared I’ll just fly back up even higher next time. It’s been 8 months since my first post on this subreddit and I’ve gained 40 pounds.
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