hey all.
I've been on my so called 'weight loss journey' for exactly 7 months now. back in sept 2020 I got a gastric balloon. it was due to remain in my stomach for 4 months. 2 months in, I was doing great. I made a lot of effort. I was really motivated. I was off sugar, eating right and walking so so so much. I started at 315lbs...lost about 30lbs in those 2 months. the next 2 months...I made no effort. I stopped eating right, I kept on with the walking and stuff but the food aspect never really cleared up for me. since the ballon exited my body (end of jan 2021)....its just been a series of unfortunate events and lack of effort (at most times).
as soon as I started losing weight, my period went crazy. I had been on a period for 3 months straight. bloating, constant hunger, back pain, moodiness, crying etc was almost an everyday occurrence. went to numerous drs and specialists to be told what I suspected in the beginning: my body was having a crazy reaction to the weight loss. I am now on the mini pill to stop my period until I get to a healthy weight range. but this issues caused my weight to fluctuate like CRAZY.
since jan I have gained back some weight, lost it, gained it, lost it, gained it, lost it...on and on and on like this will a couple weeks ago. I was stuck at 288lbs for the LONGEST time...I finally got down to 280 2 weeks ago. today I checked my weight and I am 284 again.
2 weeks ago ramadan started too. I had such big plans. I wanted to utilise ramadan not only spiritually but also for my weight loss. I thought: I will get back on the wagon and stay there. I got sick a week in (I was also still on this 3-month long period btw). terrible cough/cold (not covid as of yet - doing a test tomorrow). in ramadan you don't have to fast if your on period or sick. so I missed so many fasts. still not fasting. no idea how I will feel tomorrow. I feel so bad for missing it. and I never took a day off work though cos I just got this new job and didn't wanna take any time off....today I ended up sleeping through my alarm from sheer exhaustion and missed my morning meeting. finally took the day off after almost 10 days of coughing through meetings and deadlines. taking tomorrow off too.
today I just went ham....ate so much. I wasn't even hungry. ill be honest. ate junk, sweets, desserts. drove to subway just for 3 cookies (which I ate in the car by the time I got home). 2 doughnuts...a whole 2/3 big ass meals even though I was def not hungry. over 3000 cals today.
and speaking of cals...my god. its just really getting to me. the calorie counting. I HATE IT. I HATE HATE HATE that I have to count every morsel of food I consume. I hate it!!!!! I hate logging in these apps and worrying about taking 1 bite of chocolate or an extra bite of rice or some shit. its so exhausting mentally. I feel so tired and sick of doing it. I am getting more and more obsessed day by day. and when I see my calories turn red (cos I went over, which I have been doing every single day this month) I feel upset, like a reject, depressed and sad. and the cycle goes on. I eat, I log, I feel sad. I work out to balance things out. I lose no weight. or adversely - I gain weight.
I feel like I have 0 grip on what is going on. tomorrow I have to wake up and think about all this again. its getting so tiring. I tried to go a day without calories counting...and it was so nice until I couldn't stop thinking about it. and didn't even do that bad on that day (yesterday). I was just in my calorie range and I did a workout. but I feel like calories counting is weighing me down. dieting is weighing me down. wanted SOOOO badly to be slimmer/healthy is WEIGHING ME DOWN!
I look around and I see beautiful, slim, healthy people everywhere and then I see me. I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I hear so often I need to learn to love myself before I can make progress. I have tried. I really have tried, I promise but I can't seem to do it. I can't seem to love myself for how I look today. in this body. I hate it. I hate my flabby tummy, the fat arms, thick thighs, bubble butt and double chin. I hate it all. I want it gone so badly but it seem like as soon as I seem to make progress...I mess it up. as soon as I hit that 280...I started to fuck up. I was dreaming of being in the 270s by now (2 weeks after hitting 280). instead im sitting here on 284 feeling like a true loser.
I don't know what to do. I feel hopeless. 31lbs lost in 7 months WITH the fact I had a gastric ballon is bad. I really do think so. I read about people who lose 80lbs/90lns/100lbs a year on here and I think WOW that's amazing. I really (from my heart) love that for them. can I do it? no way. I wish could.i literally pray every night to god to help me lose weight. I know its on me but I just feel soooooo hopeless.
money wise things have been hard this year. relationship wise too. friendship-wise too! I have been able to kinda sort those things out (slowly, slowly) but this weight thing seems to haunt me evermore. im starting to feel low, useless and depressed. like I was 1 year ago. and im scared. im worried for me.
I don't want to be stuck here. I don't want more and more time to pass with me just wishing I made a change and then crying about how I could have lost X amount in the last X months...
im so tired ya'll. I am so so tired.
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