This is a long one - just need to get this off my chest and didn't know where else to go.
I first started losing weight in approx 2015-16 after being told by a partner that I stopped breathing in my sleep. I got a medical done and was informed that I was morbidly obese at 127kg for a 164cm woman. I heard this and instantly acted and took on a whole new healthy life. Before i knew it i was under 100kg by eating approx 1600cal per day and working out 5 times a week. Over the next year i'd bounce between 97-102kg, mostly because my good food days were very strict and my bad days were shocking.
Then at the start of 2018 that partner and I split, one of the reasons being that my strict weight loss had sucked the fun out of social situations. I moved 1000km away and all i had to focus on was me. I didn't drive so i walked EVERYWHERE, ate like a champion and was slowly making a social circle.
I finally hit 84kg! I had confidence. I was proud of myself. I can buy any clothing i want and it'll fit. This was my biggest accomplishment as an adult. My social life was strong and I had found like-minded people who enjoyed a healthy lifestyle. But something happened. I injured my knee by going to hard and not stretching, nothing life changing long term but annoying enough I couldn't walk for a while. I stopped eating well. I stopped going to the gym. I stopped prioritising myself. Now I'm back at 92kg. That turns into 96. Then 99.
in 2020 I found a new amazing partner. We met online and before we met I was crazy scared of meeting as I'm ashamed of this body. It doesn't reflect the biggest accomplishment of my adult life. But we meet and she is just as amazing face to face as she was online. She always tells me I'm beautiful, holds me tight and wants me to meet her family. I put off meeting who I know to be the judgy part of her family. This week she bought me tickets to see a band I love for our anniversary and I know none of what i currently own fits me. So i went into the shops knowing I'm going to hate it, and i do. Nothing feels right.
As of this morning, I'm 107.2 kg. My partner and I had a chat about how unhappy I am with my body and she was genuinely shocked at what i had to stay.
Every time I get dressed i think about my weight.
Every time someone takes a photo of me, I think about my weight.
Every time I'm on Instagram, I think about my weight.
Every time someone at work talks about their body or the gym, I think about my weight.
Every time we talk about my partners' upcoming wedding, I think about my weight.
Every tune I have a shower, I think about my weight.
Every time we eat dessert, I think about my weight.
Every time I'm at the gym and can't do something, I think about my weight.
Every time I'm at the physio I know what we are treating is caused by my weight.
Every time I drop something at work and someone else picks it up, we both know it's because of my weight.
Every time she mentions meeting her sister, I think about my weight.
And that isn't even the start of it.
Before you say it, yes I am seeing a psychologist and I'm constantly told to be kind to myself. But that doesn't help me feel like I'm finding myself again. I know I've accomplished other things but that weight loss gave me so much and nothing else has given so much. The freedom to walk into the shops and feel like I can buy clothes i like, I miss it. I want to buy something nice for her friends' wedding, but I'm scared. I don't want to feel like a blob.
That knee injury turned into a shoulder injury. I get scared to exercise as anything will make one of the two flare-up.
I struggle to eat well as my conviction is nowhere near where it used to be. I'm constantly asking myself, what do i want more. I know the answer, but I'm struggling to act on it.
Tomorrow is a new day and I'll be ok. I need to be kind to myself.
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