F(27) - 5'5.5" (166cm) - SW: 167lbs (76.2kg), CW: 149lbs (67.8kg), GW: 121lbs (55kg)
TW: anorexia, pro-ana, alcoholism, purging
Sorry in advance if this isn't the sub for this or if anything is formatted incorrectly.
For most of my life I struggled with my weight and unhealthy eating habits. As a child I was very thin because I was in a competitive ballet program, but I began to binge eat when the stress of the program plus school and social issues caused a mental breakdown. That same year I started getting bullied in school and turned to food. This started a spiral of self-hatred and binging that lasted into my teens until my mother (in a perhaps misguided attempt to help me feel better about myself) introduced me to fad diets. Of course I bounced around trying to figure out which one would be the 'magic bullet' for my fatness but eventually settled on indefinitely trying to stick to South Beach phase 1.
I went into college after my longest sustained SB1 period, down almost 30lbs (13.5kg) from my highest high in just a few weeks. I felt great, but then there was sorority rush. It meant a lot to my mother that we be in the same sorority so I went for it even though I didn't think I fit in. They made it clear that I was not 'sorority material' but accepted me anyway, explaining: in order to reject a parental legacy we have to call the parent and explain why their daughter didn't make the cut. As if me being overweight and having the audacity to rush had put them in a bad situation. They put me in the back of our new-member's photo and promoted one where more than half my face was covered so that my appearance didn't reflect badly on the group (we were known on campus as the prettiest, most competitive sorority). At that point, I lost it and I binged, hard, for months.
At my first formal sorority event, I had to shop in the same sizes I was before my first successful weight loss years before. I thought 'I can't do this again, nothing works' and became even more depressed. That's when I found pro-ana blogs online. To my depressed and frustrated brain it looked like the answer to all of my problems. Extremely rapid weight loss, very simple rules, save some money, and all you need is willpower. I put myself on an ELCD, consumed 3-5 20oz (590ml) coffees a day for the apatite suppressing and laxative properties, started smoking heavily again, and informed my family that I was feeling sick to set the stage for the "oops, I got sick and lost a ton of weight, of course I'm not anorexic you know how much I love food" conversation. Unfortunately for me and my health, It worked like a charm. I lost 20lbs in my first two weeks and found that it was easy to continue because I was now almost constantly nauseous. Because I really felt and looked sick, my family believed me.
For the next five years I hovered at extremely low weights for my height and I genuinely felt superior to everyone around me who struggled with their diets, offering fake advice from a 'success story' even though you could clearly count my ribs, I wasn't getting my period regularly (lost it completely for 1.5 years), and I was using laxatives and extreme restrictions occasionally to maintain.
Then, it happened again - I had to move home with my parents for a few months in preparation for grad school. I became isolated and started to snack, then it was nibbling off what was cooking on the stove, and finally it became finishing off whatever was left of the wine after family dinners and sneaking beers out of the fridge during the day claiming I had used them to cook a pot roast, etc. First I gained approximately 40lbs (18kg), then after moving for school I gained another 20lbs (9kg). My clothes no longer fit me at all, and any day over 75f (24c) made me into a sweaty, angry creature who lashed out at others for no reason. I kept on drinking a lot to numb the intense feelings of inadequacy and uselessness I was feeling.
At the end of 2020, I was back at my high school highest weight (again). I was lucky enough to travel domestically for a long-awaited ski trip but found that none of my gear fit me well. Then I broke my toe in a stupid binge drinking accident that never would have happened if I was still skinny (someone tried to catch me and failed literally because I was too heavy). I was so angry at myself for getting back here that I went back to search for my old 'friends' in the pro-ana world but they were gone - in the years between my freshman year and college and then there had been a movement to remove them from the internet. Then I found you, r/loseit.
This sub and others like it (shout out to r/1200isplenty and r/progresspics) helped me to gain a healthier perspective on weight loss. I got MFP and a food scale, and started tracking everything. Managed to cut down on drinking because I pre-log and can't justify a 600kcal drink when that's half my daily calories and will barely get me buzzed due to an unfortunate tolerance buildup. MFP doesn't reward you for going significantly under your goal, and I started relying on those end of day pick-me-ups to feel like I was making progress because it wasn't drastically visible like before. I am significantly less tempted to cut everything out again. I even sucked it up started going outside (with a mask) in my ill-fitting workout gear.
It has been just over 3 months and I'm down 18lbs (8.4kg) without cutting entire food groups or all food entirely. I no longer take laxatives and appetite suppressants for weight loss. I threw away the toothbrush I had tried (and failed) to practice purging with. I haven't felt this good about myself in a long time. Although I still have a long way to go, I will always be grateful for your help.
TL;DR: You guys got me off of a vicious cycle of fad dieting, binging, and anorexia. THANK YOU. I cannot thank you enough <3
[link] [comments]
from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3mL22UV
No comments:
Post a Comment