Hey there r/loseit! So I wasn't sure who else to turn to and I really just need to vent. To say I've been fat my whole life would be inaccurate. It would be more accurate to say that I've been trying to lose weight my whole life. I was a very overweight (but active - playing outside, dance lessons twice a week, football and wrestling with my guy friends) child. I put myself on my first diet when I was 11 and I was very successful. (I employed "Intermittent fasting" or as I liked to call it at the time "starving myself") I've reached a healthy weight during periods of my life, but I've not been able to maintain it and mostly been heavy. The majority of my adult life (I'm 31 now) I've been clinically obese. My current weight as of this morning is 248 (with clothes on), and I am female and 5'6". For most of this time I've vacillated between periods of disgust and acceptance. During my periods of acceptance I'm not necessarily trying to gain or lose weight, but I'm not stressing out over the fact that I am at a high weight.
My mental health took a toll on my body, an upside (if you can call it that) from a depressive episode a few years ago was that I lost about 50 lbs and got down to around 200, that was a nice weight. I had just completely lost my appetite, for the first time in my life. I slowly gained that weight back and got up to about 230/240. Unfortunately when I was put on psych meds last year I gained about 25lbs in a month or so reaching my highest weight of 265. That felt miserable. I was sluggish and I think I might have had sleep apnea because I kept waking up in the middle of the night breathless. My blood sugar was also high. Oh no! All the scary fat diseases happening at once! So earlier this year I lost about 25 lbs. I like to exercise and currently I study martial arts once a week. I live in a large metropolitan area so its also easy to get a lot of walking in. I have a fitbit and usually get over 10k steps several times a week. Blood sugar and A1C are normal now, and I can breathe at night. (admittedly cholesterol was a little off but even my doctor said its not a concern and just to keep an eye on it and eat healthier fats)
I've since gained 10 or 15 lbs back in about two months. Originally I was trying to maintain my weight, but I've found it impossible not to gain if I'm not trying to lose. And here's the thing: I have a fat fetish and eating literally turns me on, so as a result when I get lonely (read: horny) I binge eat. And I've been doing it more and more recently and its super hard to buckle down and control. I used to binge for more emotional reasons, sadness, anger, boredom, but lately its really been almost entirely about sex. Don't think I'm doing it with a partner either. No one is pushing me or encouraging me to gain. Sure, I have admirers on the internet, but nothing significant. I thought maybe that finding a partner would help me stop binging, but I'm really have trouble finding someone who will even sleep with me.
Although my weight has never prevented me from finding sexual partners, in this dating landscape and Instagram culture, it seems it is becoming increasingly difficult. I've even been ghosted by several fat admirers recently! (So...somethings going on and its not my fat.) I would have posted this on a fetish forum, but they would probably discourage me from losing weight. People are usually supportive when I tell them I'm not a gainer, but I don't think anyone would understand.
I've tried so so many diets, and "lifestyle changes." Weight Watchers, Noom, Nutrisystem, The Cabbage Soup diet, Keto, CICO, and even a psychological/ medical weight loss program run by a hospital. I cannot get my weight under control for long periods of time. I'm not an idiot, I know I eat more calories than I need. I know how weight gain works. I attempt to count calories, I've used myfitnesspal, everytime I start I'll track at the beginning of the day and then eat too much at dinner, get frustrated and give up counting. Keto was helpful but I don't cook and everything comes with carbs. I mean, maybe that's the solution to cook my own meals and would be a great suggestion. I hate to sound like I'm making excuses (I probably am) but maintaining my mental health is a lot of work and I FEEL like I lack the emotional energy to make a meal at the end of the day. I spend my work day "faking it" and I'm just exhausted.
R/loseit community - can you help me?
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