TL;DR - Actively trying to lose weight makes me really obsessed with food in a bad way, and it came to a head last night. I relapsed into an old, dangerous behavior and need some advice... I don’t know how to control my obsessive thoughts.
I follow this community daily and you all are awesome. Seriously. I don’t post much, but last night was really bad and and hope someone can lend an ear or maybe offer some advice. I’m 26, 5’4” and 136 lbs. (61.68 kg), trying to get into the 120s. I have a history of eating disorders, mainly bulimia and binge-and-restrict type behaviors. I went to therapy for this, remained clean for 5 years, and maintained right around 140-145 throughout my 20s. Since starting my recent weight loss journey, however, I notice that my thoughts have become extremely preoccupied with food.
It starts out with good intentions, such as preparing healthy meals and keeping trigger foods out of the house. But when I put thought into the food, my thinking and planning starts to become obsessive and I don’t know why. For example, when I have prepared meals or leftovers in the fridge, thinking about how I can incorporate them into the next day or week makes me anxious. I start feeling like I must eat the meals as soon as possible. When I think about cooking in general, or what I’m going to make for the day, it becomes a catalyst and I end up with racing thoughts about food throughout the day. Most of the time this leads to me snacking, and then it becomes a nasty binge cycle.
Last night was particularly bad. I felt so ashamed afterwards that I went to the bathroom and had an episode for the first time in years. I don’t know what to do, I feel trapped by my thoughts... they feel overpowering. What practices can I incorporate to make my efforts more manageable? I really do want to be at a healthier weight and eat more consciously, but this has me feeling like I need to take a step back until I get myself together.
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