He was my first in literally everything- first to hold my hand, first time, etc. I was a freshman in college. Nonetheless, we were in a toxic relationship. One in which he'd slut-shame me, get extremely jealous, and make fun of my thigh size (despite me being at a completely healthy BMI for a 5'6 girl. He had even not supported me while my mother was battling cancer and I needed someone to support me. There are so many things that I could say I hated about this relationship. Yet, the worst part was when I broke up with him and was weak enough to kiss him after the break up. That day, he told me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me, but that night he went to a party and made out with another girl. The day after, he told me that no, he didn't love me. And they started dating. And I left.
It's a whole complicated mess, but this led me straight into a path of despair, loneliness, and self-deprecation. I didn't think I was good enough. After all, he'd left me for another girl right? I realized from the emptiness and ugliness that I felt that maybe he was indeed just a temporary band-aid for my low confidence. I found so much validation for myself in what he told me throughout our relationship. That I was beautiful. Lovely. Worthy.
That's why it stung so hard when he told me he felt nothing when he saw me anymore. After all, that MUST mean I was ugly (in my mind it did). I kept comparing myself to the girl he had left me for. But eventually, I learned some things. That I didn't want to "win him back", that he was even worth trying to win back. Nor did I want to "show him what he was missing". If I did that, I'd still be living under his grasp and manipulation despite being out of the relationship.
So instead, I bounced the fuck back.
I spent the rest of my freshman school year repairing myself and living in the present, not the past. Spending more time with friends, meditating, and exercising. I'm thankful for that time because I really became happy with who I was, inside and out. The validation that I seeked in him... well, I found in myself. It was hard, lots of ups and downs, several self-help books, times talking in the mirror and giving some hype talks, all of it. My grades improved significantly and even though I still sometimes mourned my past, I kept my head up. And if I didn't, I'd have my friends to help me hold my ground. For them, I am forever grateful.
Straight after finals, I flew to Guatemala for a month long internship. I could go on and on about what I learned there, but I was truly humbled during my experience there and learned how small my issues back at home were. Of course, they were still problems in the end, but the experiences there just placed things in perspective. I had reaffirmed why I wanted to pursue a career in the medical field and got back in touch with my christianity (I'm still working on that, however). When I got back home I had an oh so fabulous tan and a new drive for life.
I'd gotten double eyelid surgery (which is essentially plastic surgery. This was planned far before my breakup and is a small cosmetic procedure). I finally tried dyeing my hair PROFESSIONALLY and investing money in myself and it felt great! A good ash blonde ombre and a beautiful cut that I never thought I'd do - my thin black asian hair was NO MORE. I wanted to try to experience something GOOD! Something FUN, and it was fun just experimenting with my own looks! I even got some eyelash extensions and began improving my makeup skills. Whitened my teeth, the whole fricking shebang.
Lastly, I lost all the excess weight I gained in my first year at college. Exercising and eating just overall healthy foods had improved my mood so much. I didn't feel lethargic and this weight loss didn't even require much effort. I wasn't starving myself, but simply making lifestyle changes that I knew would benefit myself in the future. I'm 5'6.5 and I used to be around 140 pounds. After switching to eating well proportioned meals, primarily proteins and vegetables, I don't count my calories but I eat until I'm full. Before each meal I also drink a bunch of water. I'm now around 118 pounds.
Now... the big question is "why? Why did you do all of this?"
I did it to feel good and finally use up some hard-earned money as a part time student on myself. I don't think I was "ugly" before all of this, but I realized that I could only find value in myself. Other people's opinions could make or break how I'd feel on certain days, but as I spent the school year meditating upon this, I realized that people can just kindly go fuck off. So many people had shit to say about me regarding the relationship, including my ex and his new girlfriend, but I let that go. It hardened my skin and made me respect myself more somehow. I told myself that I couldn't date again, that I couldn't go into a rebound relationship to find emotional security in someone else. I had to find that security in myself.
When I walked back on campus, it felt entirely new. I spent the summer simply focusing on ME. I felt good and didn't give a FUCK if he or anyone else cared about how i looked. Why? Because I could strut myself wherever the hell I wanted knowing that I was a good person who knows how to take care of herself. I'm in my sophomore year and it's been an entirely new experience, as I'm happily single and not requiring a relationship to feel whole.
Also, if anyone was wondering, my ex-boyfriend did make some remarks about me when he saw me this year. Apparently, he's still out there calling my a slut (and his girlfriend has joined in too). She proceeded to block me on all social media and continues to try to bring me down, despite I never having even talked to her before.
Here's to all of you who are bouncing back after your breakups. No, that doesn't mean going through a wholeass appearance change like I did. I'm just proud of all of you who are fucking keeping your head up high through the whole mess. As time goes on, you WILL realize that you are worthy. You are valued. And you are goddamn beautiful just the way you are. The words of another person should not impact that. Easy to say, hard to fucking do. I know. But just some things I can finally say after all the shit I've been through I guess.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2uI4eSL
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