Hi everyone. It's been a while since I've been here... It's been a while since we spoke.
So let's talk.
6 months ago, in October 2018, I moved out of my dingey cheap apartment and ceased my 2 hour (both ways) commute so that I could move into a beautiful apartment 3x the size and less than a mile away from my job. It was a huge life upgrade... And it was also the most stress I've had since I started losing weight in July of 2017.
Looking at MyFitnessPal, I can pick out the exact day where things started going wrong. October 23rd, 2018. Weeks of 1200-1300 calories a day, flawless eating... Then, I baked a batch of cookies. The first non-healthy baked goods I'd made since I started losing weight. The next few days looked like this:
- October 23rd, 2018: 2,617 calories. 10 cookies.
- October 24th, 2018: 3,046 calories. Cookies, fat bombs, and an obscene amount of protein bars.
- October 26th, 2018: 5,420 calories. We moved. We had pizza.
On it goes. I got back on track by October 31st, but the past few months are riddled with these types of occurrances. In November, going into December, I made it back down to 166lbs. Ate well on Christmas and ballooned up to 183.6. Got back on track in January, but then started eating again after something else caused my stress levels to spike. In January and Feburary I struggled with binging and 'entry-level' purging behavior (heavy workouts after binges and/or fasting after binges), but made it back down to 166lbs. At the end of February, a family member passed away and for the first time since July 4th, 2018, on the weekend of the funeral I sincerely did not log anything I ate.
I came home and it continued. The truth is, even as I type this, I am only about 5 days out from my last set of terrible eating decisions (we went to Red Robin on Friday -- spoiler alert: I didn't get a lettuce wrapped chicken sandwich or broccoli as a side).
I spend a lot of time thinking about my future, my weight loss, and my eating habits now. I spend significantly less time talking about them than I used to and I'm starting to realize maybe that's a good thing.
You see, what we have here is an incredible community. Thousands of people who have all gone through the same journey you are partaking in or are about to take on. Advice, a place to vent, tips for getting started, a shoulder to lean on, a strong support network: /r/loseit has it all.
But what /r/loseit doesn't have is the ability to see the future. It doesn't have an understanding of the best choices to make for your specific situation. /r/loseit can't tell you how you'll deal with stress the first time something really, really goes wrong. We can't tell you that you are making mistakes when you tell us that everything is fine on the surface. There are lots of things that /r/loseit can't tell you... So here's some of the things no one could tell me that I have learned:
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Making good eating habits for any length of time doesn't turn you into a 100% healthy instagram blogger than never has cravings and talks about how much they looooooooooooooooooovvvvvvvveeeeeee raw vegetables with nothing else for lunch. There is a legitimate possibility that you may always look at a cake and think about eating the entire thing. You may always have cravings. You may always have an addiction... And it's important to come to terms with that, especially as someone who was formerly super morbidly obese.
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Giving up the things you love isn't part of making sustainable choices. When I started losing weight, I gave up baking. Last year, I remembered how much I love it. I love baking and -- yes -- I love eating the results of that. When I decided to start baking again, I knew it was going to be tough and it has been. But baking isn't what fuels my binges: even though it's easier to binge because I bake, trust me... I'll eat every package of mealprep I have if it's the only thing available.
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Saying no to 95% of the food offered to you isn't healthy or sustainable. Are you really planning on weighing your food at Thanksgiving for the rest of your life? Or eating broccoli three times a day on vacation every time you go? Are you truly going to be known as the person who never eats the potluck forever? It's important to value your goals, but it's also important to acknowledge that food is a huge part of our culture. People celebrate life with food, people find solace regarding death from food, people discuss business over food, people spend time with their families and friends through food. Since I stopped saying no at every single potluck and wall of samples I have had the pleasure of trying so many new things that I never would have gotten to try at home. Work functions surrounding food are a lot less stressful now as well and I am learning how to make positive decisions and still enjoy myself.
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Just because you are losing weight and eating above the caloric minimums doesn't mean you are making healthy choices -- mentally or nutritionally.
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This one is painful for me to say, but I also think it's important. Don't let your only friends be people whose only shared interests with you are weightloss. I learned in the worst possible way how important this is and I can't stress to you enough: you are so much more than your weightloss. You are a human being with your own interests, hobbies, and achievements. Weightloss is just one piece of who you are. Don't let it consume you.
This is a scary post for me to write, because it addresses some pretty awful events that I have been apart of in the past few months. However, I know it's been a while since I posted... And I feel ready. Even though it's important to take time to yourself to think about what's going on with your weightloss, it's definitely important just to talk about it as well.
Remember, /r/loseit can't see your future for you. We can't always give you the best advice for your situation... But maybe sharing the current pieces of my story can do a little bit to help someone who didn't realize they needed it.
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