Fear of food, fear of hunger

25F here, ~260lbs, 5'6".

How do you overcome a deep-seated fear/anxiety rooted in hunger, and by extension, food?

With a history of depression and anxiety, I'm working on self-acceptance and self-love in therapy. I've reached the threshold where I'm ready to love my body enough to take care of it through changing my mental habits, emotional resilience, nutrition habits, and fitness regimen- all this is my 2019 goal. But I can't shake the fear of hunger & food.

The more I look at my disordered eating (because chronic overeating is disordered) I realize how uncomfortable I am with hunger. I don't have a historical reason for this complex except that in my family, I was always scared of not getting enough food (we had a normal upbringing but I think being a super self-conscious kid I was just trying to balance not appearing like I was eating too much, while making sure I had enough.) I snuck a lot of food as a kid. I still do.

Hunger feels like a monster. It makes food a demanding villain I have to satiate at the cost of my physical health. I've reached this weight only due to my emotional eating habits, my fear of going hungry (causing me to overeat at every meal,) and a disregard for my personal health. I'm finally trying to do something about it but those old anxieties crop up: what if you go to bed hungry, can't control yourself, and binge uncontrollably that night or in the morning? What if you've met your calories & macros, and still feel like you're starving? What if you're going to feel hungry for the rest of your life? I'm hyper-sensitive anyway, which makes any hunger pang a distraction from whatever I'm doing. And all this- my insatiability, it seems- makes food my daily enemy. I dread watching the calories add up on MFP, I hate feeling like food is primarily something to resist rather than enjoy, and I'm tired of feeling out of control around it.

It makes me wonder what's wrong with me, that I seem so insatiable and seem to get hungry much more than the average person. This is what's caused me to give up in the past with weight loss- it feels impossible with my obsession, lack of willpower, hunger levels, & cravings. How can I make food my ally again?

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