[F/26/5’6/CW:95kg/GW:82kg/UGW:70kg]
I don’t know if it’s appropriate to be posting this here, so forgive me if it’s not, but I’m feeling pretty low at the moment and could use all the support I can get.
I have struggled with my weight for my entire life, I have never known what it feels like to be ‘skinny’, and I have always had a large, overhanging stomach. This looks worse on me because I am also pretty flat chested, so basically I hate my body. Due to various trauma I went through during my childhood & before I left home, I was a binge-eater as a teenager (and completely unaware of that at the time.) My highest weight was around 110kg at one point. I was diagnosed as insulin resistant when I was 17 in 2010 and was put on a drug called Metformin. This helped me lose a bit of weight and my new average became around 90-91kg.
In 2013 I was doing really well with calorie counting and going to my university gym, and I managed to get down to about 87kg, which is still a lot but was the lightest I’d ever been in my adult life. Then due to various reasons, in 2014 I regained a bunch of weight and ballooned back up to 105kg. I then developed Bulimia after experimenting with purging meals to cut calories. I’ve had a fucked up relationship with food my entire life, so it was kind of always inevitable that this would happen - I used to look at ‘thinspo’ even when I was 14 and used to attempt very restrictive diets (and would always fail).
In 2015 I attempted to stop the purging by doing a keto diet. I felt like shit but I did lose weight and got back down to 87kg. Around 87-89kg became my new norm; I was still occasionally purging when I slipped up or had to eat foods I deemed ‘bad’ (at social events etc). In 2016 some really messed up stuff happened to me and I relapsed completely; eating garbage, purging all the time, etc.
In between 2016 and now, I made the switch to a plant based diet and felt a lot better about myself. I no longer needed metformin and was no longer insulin resistant. 2018 was a really difficult year for me, and I had some health issues unrelated to weight (I have a brain tumour and a chronic neurological condition) which meant I had to cut down on my hours at my retail job & also often had to be sick off work for weeks at a time. I started CBT therapy for depression & anxiety & eating disorder behaviour. The therapy went really well and I’ve done a good job of stopping the purging, but due to all of the above combined, I’ve gained weight. I had gone up to 96kg as of March 11th, and I’ve lost 1kg since then.
I feel like my body hates me and it’s going to be impossible to ever reach my UGW. I’m so frustrated because I got so used to my ‘norm’ being around 87kg so I’m so ashamed and frustrated that now I’m back to here and I have to work hard to just get back to my still-fat old norm, which doesn’t even feel like it will be progress, just getting back to ‘slightly less fat’. I did manage to get down to 94kg but the scale is now saying 95kg after a couple days of me eating SLIGHTLY over my calorie limit (1500) which is just such a frustrating setback. Is my metabolism that bad?
I eat an extremely healthy whole-foods plant based diet and make sure to balance my macros, drink water, avoid junk. I am going to have to drop my calorie limit. I work part-time retail (20 hours a week). Exercise for me is difficult to implement right now due to my health condition but I’m hoping to introduce it gradually after I have treatment.
If anyone has any words of encouragement or similar stories that might inspire me, I’d really appreciate it.
TL:DR I gained weight back due to life changes and recovering from an ED, and now weight loss progress is so slow that I feel like I’m at war with a body that hates me and will always be fat.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat http://bit.ly/2GeqgC6
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