I fell off the wagon. For like the 4th time. And I almost didn’t climb back on.

Saying that I’ve had an unhealthy relationship with food would be putting off the blame. I’ve just had an unhealthy relationship with myself.

With family putting down my body and me since I was 7 I’ve hated my body. I tried every diet possible, and I feel like I’ve been starving myself since second grade. I’d get called fat by my family. I wouldn’t eat, I’d lose lots of weight. No one made a comment on how much weight I’d lost or that they were proud, I’d forget and give up and gain twice of it back. It was a cycle, just painfully going through it all it hurt. I’m so tired of all of it. I’m so tired I’m so hungry. I want to starve again, I want to lose it all I want to lose it fast, i want weight loss to be the path to my happiness but deep inside I know that won’t be good enough.

I don’t know how to feel about my body, I don’t know whether to love it or hate it the way it is but what I want is to change it. I don’t want to make myself throw up again, I don’t want to starve myself again. I want to get stronger and skinnier. I want to buy cute dresses I don’t want to be conscious about myself during pictures or embarrassed around the guy I like I want to go do things I’ve never done before and wear a friggin bikini.

I’m going to start calorie counting again. I will stick to it. I will eat very little of the delicious food and will stick to my diet. I owe it to myself, and it’s time I start being accountable for myself, but I know that’s going to take some time. My body does not trust my decisions, and I don’t trust it. So this is how it’s going to be. One week at a time. I give it my best shot. Shoot to be 2 lbs lighter. Next week, rinse and repeat. If I can do it for one week at a time, 52 weeks CAN and WILL go by. No more starving, only counting. 1200-1500 cals a day, I’m taking the first step one more time. Hopefully this will be the last first step.

But yeah. Also looking for an accountability buddy, just someone to check in on and someone who’ll check in on me making sure we meet our goals!

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