I've always been on the weight loss journey, as long as I can remember. Ever since I was young, my mom would always tell me that I "don't want to end up like her", meaning that I should put my looks at the forefront of my ambitions and always try and maintain a weight that would encourage men to want me. She has always struggled with relationships, and drilled it into my head that in order to be worthy in a relationship, at the workplace, or even within myself, I had to be thin. But no matter how thin I was, it was never enough for her or for me. Even at age 15 at 120 pounds I hated myself, would binge, then wouldn't eat for days. I was in, and then sustained, that bad spot. I didn't value me.
I started my weight loss/self love journey again on 8/4/19 and was down 10.8 pounds as of last Friday. I've been doing CICO and tracking macros (more protein, less carbs), consuming about 1500-1600 cals/day. This is the most I've ever lost at one time, and it leaves me feeling great at the end of the day. Typically I lose a little, then gain it right back, and quit after I shame myself into believing that no matter what I do, I won't be thin, so I should just give up. But this time, I threw a small dance party for myself, my husband danced with me as I celebrated this milestone, but still encouraged me with words like "you're sexy, you're amazing, and I love your body at any weight". Sometimes I try and sabotage myself, try to convince myself not to believe him. But, I'm making strides in self love and accepting that others can love and value me no matter how I look.
This last weekend we went on a lake trip with friends. We ate pizza, drank beers, cooked big meals, and snacked well into the night. Then we brought home half a gallon of delicious peanut butter fudge ice cream. I was up almost 4 pounds as of this morning and it was soul-crushing. 3.6 pounds in 3 days. I spent some time thinking about it, shamed myself a little, and then I had a huge realization: SO WHAT. I enjoyed myself this weekend, and even though after every fat-filled meal I would think "that wasn't worth it and I feel like sh**", I know that I can resume my weight loss journey again today, and I'm stronger because of my experience. I learned something. I genuinely don't enjoy those bad foods anymore. A piece of pizza is wonderful every now and then, but my body and my energy levels respond well to good foods, and that makes me feel amazing.
I've done a lot of work within myself to try and change my mindset about my body and my weight. As I'm approaching my 27th birthday, I'm realizing that I want to do this for me. We have to always want to do this for the better of ourselves, not for anybody else. It only took almost 27 years to realize it, but I finally want to do this for me. I want 27 to be the year that I reach my goals and feel good about myself. I want to be strong, healthy, and active. I want to run a 5k and feel comfortable doing yoga in a class, with other people. I want to go to music events, camping and on trips next summer and feel comfortable in my body, I want to dance and hike for hours and not stress about others' perception of how I'm enjoying my time. And I'm going to do it. I want to go into this year of life as strong as possible, and I have big goals for myself. But, it's for me. For me this is more than just losing the weight. It's about building myself up, realizing that I'm a human worthy of love and value, reducing the impact of others' opinions, and learning to love myself for who I am. I hope that when I turn 28, I'll be strong, healthy, and will have transformed into the best version of myself, body and mind. I'm so inspired to make this next year my best year yet. I hope to continue contributing in this sub over the next few months, and eventually be able to post a big milestone with before/after photos. Woo!
TL;DR: I've had lifelong social shaming from others to be thin and weight loss never happened. Now I want to do this for me, and it's working, it feels great. Even though I had a set back this weekend, I've used it to learn how to move forward with more motivation now than ever. I'm turning 27 this week and want to make it the year of transformation.
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