Accepting defeat.

PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY DISCOURAGED. I don't want to harm anyone with my negativity.

I'm using a throwaway account, because at least on the internet no one knows I'm fat. I'm posting this because I need to vent. I need to get my feelings out there.

I've been struggling with weight since I was 9 years old. I remember going to the doctor one time and seeing on the scale 145lbs. Then by time I was 11 years old I weighed 190lbs.

I steadily gained weight. Then when i was 16 I weighed in at 240lbs. At this point I deiced to do something about it ( this was probably the only time in my life where I had will power). I winded up going on Atkins. I got down to 180lbs.

Unfortunately I developed a bad case of acid reflux during this time. The only thing that didn't irritate my acid reflux was high carb foods. So I winded up regaining all the weight loss plus some. That was the first and last time I had a major weight loss in my life.

Since then I've been gaining weight. I've tried multiple times to lose weight. I would lose 10lbs and then slip back into my old habits.

On top of all of this. I was diagnosed with PCOS at 21. Then earlier this year I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and borderline high cholesterol. And I'm only 32.

You would think all of this would motivate me to lose weight. Everytime I tell myself I will get myself together but I fail each time.

I have now accepted that I have no willpower. I accept that I am going to remain this way. The fact I've been trying to lose weight since my teens and fail each time, tells me that I don't have it in me to change my habits and lose weight.

I've looked into weight loss surgery. But I unfortunately don't have insurance of the funds to get it done.

I have no willpower to lose weight and too broke to afford weight loss surgery.

So I have accepted defeat. I have to accept that I will most likely be fat for the rest of my life.

I am at my wits end. As much as I want to lose weight, I just can't handle the failure anymore. I'm tired of being happy when I lose 10lbs and then crying when I gain to back.

submitted by /u/throwawaylady6218
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