[Repost] Hey, same Op Here. If you scroll down my profile you probably saw that I made a reddit text a few months ago describing my healthy weight loss.
Haha. I wish. Or more like, I thought it was. I really thought it was healthy.
Today, right now, 5 minutes after it happened I'm writing this now. I had a 20.000 calorie binge today. 20 f-ing thousand calories. I gained nearly 16 pounds from all the food weight inside me right now.
Maybe you have seen my former post, I'm 5'7-5'8. I was in the 200+ pounds weight range for a large portion (pun) in my life. But since December I've decided to change. From 200 to 119 pounds in a mere 8 months. I thought I was healthy, I truly did. But since last month I've seen that I'm anorexic. I am afraid of over 400+ calories. I weigh every single thing, I fast for 3+ days at a time, and since last week I've binged on 3k calories every day and today 20k now. It devastates me. I weigh 135 pound in this very moment, probably from food weight but I know that I must have gained after this week long binge. And I'm shaken up. I want to be on the 2-Numbers weight range till Halloween. I'm fucked up
"Mimimi but Op why are you making this post?" To spread awareness. Now that I'm a lot skinnier I still feel like shit. I feel disgusting. I'm never thin enough.
"What about a doctor?" You see, I'm not underweight yet for them. My hands look like sticks but my torso and legs aren't bad yet. I lose weight in the upper part of my body so fast, my eyes are sunken in, my collar bones are cup holders, my hair is falling out, my hands are bones. But my stomach and hips and thighs? Phew boy. Those are chunky and those are usually where they meassure your BMI. My doctor even told me I can lose some more weight just a few weeks ago. So no and yes. Yes I'm going to a doctor. No I'm apparently not getting help.
Right now I'm sitting crying on the floor, my stomach and face are bloated, there are 3 empty peanut butter jars here, 2 ramen packs, a nutella jar, 4 ice cream cups, 5 chocolate bars, candied nuts, a whole empty loaf of toast, 2 microwaveable spaghetti packages, a cake slice, and some bread and so many sauces and pringles and energy drinks. And you know what? I can't remember most of it. I only remember eating as fast as I can. As if I'm being hunted or preparing for hibernation.
I don't know what to do if I'm honest. I have body dysmorphia. I can't see myself. I want to have a thigh gap I want this or that or those and ahhh. I totally lost the point of why I'm writing this. My mind is still foggy and weird. My doctors won't take seriously. All I want to say is... please stay safe.
You will NOT be happy once you're thin. It will NOT be a magical cure to your problems. Get a therapist. Don't end up like me. Eating disorders are scary. They control you. And now I experienced both ends of the spectrum.
Stay safe. Looks aren't everything.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2LE6mCX
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