Long-winded rant ahead.
I have lost 89 pounds in almost 13 months through healthy eating, calorie deficit, fasting, and mild exercise. Went from 230 pounds to 141 pounds. I still “cheat” here and there, like I did tonight, but I am strict with my lifestyle (I don’t like calling it a diet, because this is my life from now on) 95% of the time.
Here is the darker side to it. I am healthier than I’ve ever been. I am more confident. I feel like I can do just about anything I want. I have a pending start date for a full-time seasonal job at an Amazon fulfillment center and I know I will be able to do what is required because I’m fitter and won’t be out of breath after five minutes of lifting boxes. I have more options for jobs, clothes, and even relationships. This all came with a small, vain price: loose skin.
I am only 18 years old, yet I have plenty of loose skin, mostly on my belly. I like to joke around and pinch it and call it “dough.” I do that so no one (my mother, bless her heart) points it out first. Yes, I have loose skin! It’s saggy on my belly, wrinkly on my inner thighs, and just loose on my arms. I can wear crop tops but with high waisted shorts because the loose skin kind of flops over low waisted shorts and looks like I’ve just robbed a bakery of their bagel dough and stuffed it in my shorts.
I’m insecure about it because I’m 18! I’m vain and just wanna look like the other girls my age; that was half the reason I decided to lose weight in the first place. And plus, if I want to have a romantic or sex life, what girl my age is going to see the loose skin and still find me attractive? Nobody wants to see loose, saggy skin, even if it was caused by a good thing. So I should always have it covered.
Yesterday I said “screw that!” It is hotter than hell in Houston this week. For the first time ever, I went to the park to walk. I’ve been in my head for the past couple days because there was an error on my first drug test for Amazon, therefore I had to take another one and lost the shift I signed on for. Yeah, I’m a little stressed. So I decided to take a walk in the park to lose myself.
I drove there, parked the car, and took a walk on one of the quieter trails. At 3 pm. In the summer. In 103 degree heat. I was wearing sports shorts and a crop top with a sports bra underneath, and I had water with me, but good god, was I drenched after walking for thirty minutes. I went back and sat at a covered picnic table and drank some water, but I was SWEATING like never before.
I decided that was enough; even the runners left because it was too hot. I had walked a mile and cleared by head, I considered that a victory. I got back in the car with the AC full blast on me from both vents and it still wasn’t enough. My shirt was soaked. I had to take it off. I was in the car; it’s not like anyone could see my loose skin, right.
I drove home just like that. When I parked, I realized I had two options: put my wet, sweaty shirt back on and wear it soaked, or get out of the car in front of my neighbors who were outside, shirtless with my loose skin showing. It was scorching hot and so I said “who cares” and I got out shirtless. I’ve never shown anyone other than my mom and Reddit what I look like with my loose skin out in the open like that. I always keep it hidden because I’m so insecure about it.
But...it’s just skin. That’s all. I know it’s not pretty or attractive, but it’s just skin. And it’s skin I’ve “earned”, so to speak. Sometimes it feels like a punishment, but most of the time it just feels like something that comes with major weight loss.
I got up early this morning, put on my sports bra (shirtless), shorts, tennis shoes, and a light jacket. I went back to the park and I was determined to do the entire perimeter since it was only about 78 degrees. Eventually, at my 3-mile mark, I was very sweaty and the sun was beating down. Parents had to completely cover their babies in strollers and some people even took off their shirts. And there I was. With a jacket. I unzipped it just enough where the stuff in my pockets wouldn’t fall out. I let myself sweat out that way for the rest of my walk. When I finished and got back to my car to rest before heading out, I was HOT. I was like “why am I making excuses and reasons to NOT take my jacket off?”
There is no rule at the park that says you have to have a shirt. So really, nobody was stopping me from taking my jacket off but me and my insecurities. It’s high time I sucked it up and make a choice: sweat like a dog and get dehydrated, or take off your fucking jacket in this 85-degree heat. Who actually CARES if you have loose skin. Who’s really gonna be sitting there watching everybody else saying “that one has loose skin, that one shouldn’t wear that in public, that one’s shorts are too tight.”
And even if they did. . .so what. I’ll tell you, I was so thrilled to see people out working on themselves, getting healthy, spending time with their kids, having fun, that I didn’t even care what they were wearing or how their bodies looked. Because it’s simply no one’s business. We’re all trying to get somewhere in life. I’m at the finish line, and my only consequence is having extra skin. I’m really so tired of hearing people (my mother) commenting on it, saying I NEED a tummy tuck or plastic surgery to fix it. I don’t NEED anything. It’s not life-threatening or a medical condition. This is all mind over matter. Once I stop being so afraid of what people could POSSIBLY think of it, I’ll live a better, stress-free life.
In the future, if my skin doesn’t tighten at all or I start to really hate it, maybe I’ll consider surgery. Right now I have the benefit of youth on my side. Maybe my skin will shrink a bit with exercise. Maybe it won’t and I’ll be stuck with this. Maybe I will have only the skin on my belly removed. But that’s no one’s business or choice but my own. I’ve been pressured by more than two people to get removal surgery or a tummy tuck. I’m not putting myself through that if I don’t need or want to. I’m not obligated to alter parts of my body for ANYBODY except myself. My mom didn’t make the choice for me to lose weight. I did. Strangers at the park didn’t make the choice for me to exercise there. I did.
I have to own what I have. It was hot by the time I was done walking, so I completely took my jacket off and chilled under the shade in just my bra. And lo and behold, not a single person gave me a second glance. They were, ya know, minding their business. It really is all in my head. And even if someone did say something or looked at me funny, I’m not breaking any rules or hurting anyone. Just keep on moving with myself.
On another note, I was so happy to see all types of people with all types of bodies walking and running today. If you were one of them, good for you! If you just started exercising and can only do a little right now, keep it up! Even if you can run 5 miles every single day, good for you! I just checked my health app on my phone (I know they aren’t always accurate but it’s all I have right now, anybody recommend a Fitbit?), and my rough estimated walking distance for today is 4.4 miles. I broke a barrier today. I have every reason to be proud.
Keep your head up.
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