I've quickly realized I didn't change anything, I was only starving myself.
I'm 27M, started losing weight November 2017. Started at 400lbs, in January of 2019 I was at my current goal of 220lbs. I did CICO for the majority of it. In the beginning from November, until March 2018, I was walking on the treadmill and lifting weights every day. In March I was in the hospital for rhabdomyolysis (I exercised too hard too fast). That was scary and discouraging. On top of that my depression/anxiety tanked and I stopped doing everything except laying in bed doing nothing. The weight loss was turning scary. With the depression deepening I developed more of an eating disorder. In April 2018 I gave up on life and stopped eating and drinking. My mom was able to get me to go to the ER after 3 days and I was admitted for suicide attempt. That happened 2 more times in May and June. I haven't had that problem since then, although I still get feelings that I don't deserve to eat and feel I should stop, but I'm able to control it more and will force myself to eat or drink water in those moments.
So anyway, in January of 2019 I hit my goal and started to maintain. I had been eating 1500 calories, so I bumped it up to 2000 a day, and that was just under maintaining, so I was still technically losing, but very very slowly, and that's what I wanted. Going to 2000 was awesome, suddenly I had 500 extra calories. I started eating more meat and more of the stuff I liked, then it crept into sugars, 500 calories of candy, then more of my calories, 700...800...1000, etc. I was using so much of my calories on crap that I wasn't taking in any real food, so then I was always hungry and started cheating. I was having more days where I would go over my calories and couldn't make up for it the next day, so then I was going into debt, a lot. Suddenly I was several thousand calories in the hole and I couldn't get out. I learned I had to just let it go and start again. So that continued for months and months. It's just gotten worse. I'm at a point where I'm hitting 2000 calories maybe 2-3 times a week, and the other days I go absolutely crazy, often eating between 4000 and 5000 calories, most of that in junk food.
In the past month the scale has gone from 215 to 237lbs. Some of that is water weight and just the sheer amount of food in me, but the majority is fat. I feel so disheartened and lost and stuck. I've lost all will power. I've lost all ability to diet. I feel like I can't do it at all. I'll do really well all day, and then night hits and it's almost like my brain shuts off and all rational thought disappears, I just eat whatever I want, often eating so much I'm sick, but even that doesn't stop me. I tried doing gum at night, and gum really helps me, but I get so bored of it it literally depresses me to chew gum instead of eating. I feel so restricted and like I can't have any fun or anything. I miss food, I can't stop thinking about food. I get these feelings if there is food in the house that I just need to eat it and get rid of it then the temptation will be gone. But that happens every day. "If I just eat all these leftovers then I won't be tempted by them tomorrow" "If I just eat all these chips then I won't have to deal with the temptation tomorrow." But there's literally always something every day. I live in my parent's house, so I have a brother, my mom and dad, and my grandma living with me. There's always food around. And it isn't just them, I keep buying and making stuff too.
I honestly just don't know what to do. I feel like I can't diet again, I can't get any traction, any momentum. I go into a depression spiral every time I try, I freak out over "never getting to eat again". And even if I could, I am so angry that it will take so long. Even if I somehow manage to get back into 1500 daily, it will take me the rest of the year to get back to my original goal weight. I don't think I *CAN* diet for another 16 weeks. I feel so deprived and angry!
I have a therapist, I actually just switched so we've only seen each other 3 times now, but we've discussed it a tiny bit, and we're going to work on it more in the upcoming future, but I fail to see how therapy will help me with food addiction. I'm relying on it at this point just because I'm that lost, but I still just feel hopeless. I get so angry with myself and hate myself and my body so much, and that sends me into food even harder!!!
I honestly don't know why I'm even posting this. I don't know what I hope to gain from it. Maybe advice, maybe just hearing others have been here and understand, maybe just someone to tell me I'm a fat load of crap that needs to figure it the freak out and grow up. I don't know what I'm looking for.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/34DJFHG
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