(Sorry about the length of this. I just don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this and I’m feeling really lost)
I’m 27f. 5’8. 101.1kgs/222.8lbs
I’ve been wanting to lose weight since I was about 11 years old, since I put on my favourite slim fit, ankle length dress at my grandmother’s house, and noticed for the first time an unattractive bump breaking the line of the dress: my stomach.
I’ve done everything you can name over the years: skipping meals, strict exercise routines, cutting out carbs, cutting out sugary treats, no eating after 6pm, calorie counting. And yet I always start off well, then stop, and put on more weight than I had originally before I can get a hold of the reigns once more.
I can already hear some of you saying “well there’s your problem, you shouldn’t be looking at weight loss as something requiring a short term fix! You need to make changes that are sustainable long term!”
But I grew out of the crash dieting and weird eating rules YEARS ago. Between the ages of 21 and 22, I managed to get down from 100.2kgs/221lbs to 76kgs/169lbs. There were no weird rules I had to abide by, I simply had to eat a normal amount of food, and be more active. I didn’t cut any foods out, I was allowed anything I wanted but within reason. It felt easy. It felt like I could do this for the rest of my life. Then I had to move back home for a few months while I prepared to move abroad for work - and something just snapped. It was like some switch turned in my brain and I had to sabotage all my efforts in the shortest time possible. And it worked. I managed to gain 20lbs in three months.
And this has been the cycle for the last five years. At first I chalked it down to getting stressed out when major life changes have happened. But I’ve noticed that even when things have been fine…there will eventually be the day where the switch flicks on and I simply self destruct, and I won’t stop until I weigh more than when I started.
This happened most recently in May. My weight had reached 99.2kgs/218.7lbs. Almost at my highest once more. I decided (again) that once and for all, I would lose weight. And I’d do it right. I’d take my time. Only aim for 0.5kgs/1lb a week loss. No eliminating food groups. No exercise routine that I couldn’t keep up with. I just had to track calories, allowing myself 1700 calories a day. Hardly an amount I’d feel restricted on, right?
And it worked! I lost 4.5kgs during the month of May. And it was SO EASY! I’d gone out three or four times that month because of birthdays and other social events. My boyfriend and I had even ordered a pizza during the month. Awful hay fever meant I’d skipped maybe a week of working out. But I was losing consistently and I was feeling great.
And then…the switch turned on. And I had to eat everything in sight. I wasn’t even hungry, I just had to eat, no matter what it was. I shuddered at the thought of exercising, despite having the tools to work out at home. And here I am… it’s the 4th September and I’m up to 101.1kgs. I was 103.4 last week…but I’m not feeling hopeful about losing this weight anymore. I’ve gone through this cycle time and time again and I really don’t think I can persuade myself that it’s possible for me anymore.
Weight loss is so unbelievably simple. I know HOW to lose weight. I’ve done it time and time again, but I can’t get my stupid mind to stick with it long enough to see it through. I just keep getting fatter and fatter each year. I took my first “before” photo when I was 18. I have a whole folder dedicated to all of my before pictures that will never be united with their own after picture.
I feel so hopeless. I don’t know what to do. I truly feel I’ve tried everything but dodgy diet pills and weight loss surgery. I feel like giving in…I feel like I should because it’s clear that I can’t do this…but being overweight is having a huge impact on my life. I’ve hated my body since I was 11 years old. I haven’t worn a dress since seeing my stomach sticking out of my favourite dress and branding myself as ugly. I know losing weight won’t make everything perfect overnight but there are so many things that would be easier for me if I could manage it. My knees hurt constantly, I'm tired all the time, I have no confidence, and I am stuck in baggy, unattractive clothing.
I would really love to be able to wear a dress again.
I know I’m being really defeatist and it seems I’m already knocking down all the options, but if anyone has been in a similar situation or has any advice I’d be truly grateful.
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