Where would I even start? LONG post!

Hi guys,

Long time lurker, but it's time I bucked up the courage to make a change. I'm a 168cm tall female, and currently weigh 120kg at 23 years old. Not good! I understand the basics of weight loss, I just... don't know where to start implementing. I have a few factors though that I don't know how to include, so I'm hoping I might get some guidance here since seeking professional help seems to not be working, and you'll see why in a minute.

I unfortunately have had an eating disorder since birth, called Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. Basically, food is repulsive to me and I am incredibly afraid of eating, aside from "safe foods" I picked up as a child. I am currently in therapy regarding this, and it's important to note that ARFID does NOT involve body image at all, simply a fear response from the subconscious mind, like a debilitating fear of going outdoors or a fear of water, that sort of thing. Anyway, with this disorder it heavily limits what I can eat, and surprise surprise most of what I eat are carbs! I also have a low food drive, so I can often forge to eat for long periods of time. Here's a look at my daily diet:

Morning: nothing. Maybe a juice, or a piece of bread if I'm feeling spunky

Lunch: Plain bread roll. Maybe a packet of chips, an apple, or some yoghurt.

Dinner: 10 Nugget large meal from Macdonalds

Snacks: chips, biscuits, apple/banana, yoghurt.

Pretty depressing, huh. I'm working on adding new things to my diet: for example, I can now add meal replacement shakes, such as hospital formula Sustagen or Ensure to hopefully replace my crappy Macdonalds dinners. I also tried raspberries for the first time the other day - who knew they were so good?! So there is progress, but it's very slow to undo 23 years of conditioning unfortunately, and my brain is a bit of a dick as it views all new food as a threat. But I digress.

I have an active job, I can do up to 20 thousand steps on a busy day and I am continuously lifting up to 25kg throughout the day, so I at least have that on my side. I do take plenty of supplements to make up for my diet, and routinely receive b12 injections and iron infusions as required. I don't really do any exercise out of work, but I want to start, I am hopefully signing up to my local gym when I can save up the extra cash.

I unfortunately also take medication for anxiety/depression, and I'm finding it hard to tell what is the medicine and what is my diet. Since starting my medication, I have gained roughly 10 - 15kg a year, I started at 65kg and have now ballooned up to 120kg, which is the heaviest I have ever been and I absolutely hate it and everything that comes with the weight.

My concern is where do I start? As soon as doctors or professionals hear that I have an eating disorder it all goes out the window, even though I explain it has NOTHING to do with body image, just a protective brain as a baby. I want to eat better foods, I want to treat my body better, because it's already getting so hard and I'm only so young. Plus I'm tired of being embarrassed of my size, among other things, and I just want one less thing to worry about. I have reached out to dietitians and doctors, I have tried researching, but I just don't... know where to start.

It's not even totally about losing the weight, it's just about getting healthier, getting fitter, and treating myself with respect. For so long I have resented my eating disorder, and watching it manifest on my body so clearly is so painful.

Where do I start guys? How do I put a handle on diet, on exercise, on looking after myself?

Any help in clearing up some confusing would be greatly appreciated - I feel like a bit of an idiot but any step is a step forward from where I am now!

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