On Saturday, I dreamed I was binging a large pizza.
And last night, I dreamed I was eating apple pie & a bunch of other dessert things, like taking a sample of all of them.
I haven’t had this happen before so I am confused. I’ve been sticking to my diet very well recently, but I don’t have any “forbidden foods,” I just make sure to control portions. Like if I want pizza I’ll have a junior pizza as long as it’s in my calories, and obviously not every freaking day, more like once a week.
I haven’t had a large pizza in over 4 months. But when I woke up from that dream I was like, “... if all I ate today was a large pizza I could eat at maintenance.” And then I didn’t do that, instead I ate at my normal deficit & ate reasonably healthy.
And as for the pie, I guess I’ve been seeing all these nice Fall desserts at the store and wanting to try some, but not buying anything because I can’t handle having a large portion of a Fall dessert at home, it’s too dangerous.
Like this diet is not as restrictive as my old ones. I tried to eat 1200cal diets before, and I would get so lightheaded I’d feel like I was going to pass out, and this extreme restriction led to binging. I gained 12 pounds in the ~6 months of yo-yo dieting between extreme restriction and binging.
But in June, I started on a healthy 1700cal high protein diet, which I decreased to 1600cal in late August to adjust for my weight loss. I’ve been doing cardio 2-3x a week as a supplement, not eating back my exercise calories. And I have lost 20 pounds in 4 months. It has been my first ever successful diet attempt.
The urges to binge still happen but not as bad as they were when I was doing extreme restrictions, I can control them, and in the entire four months of my diet the only times I’ve ever eaten above maintenance have been at social events. (Thankfully these are infrequent enough to not be a real setback.)
During my whole diet, I haven’t done what I would consider a real binge even once. I’ve eaten at maintenance, I’ve had bad meals, I’ve gotten a little crazy with the cocktails with friends. But I have never sat down & eaten an entire large pizza or an entire family size bag of chips in one sitting, which I could do before no problem, and often did when I was stressed out. Instead I’ve been exercising when stressed.
I’ve never had full on dreams about binging before so it kinda freaks me out. Like I’m wondering if there’s something wrong with me. I don’t consider myself to have a “disorder,” but I did have issues with binge eating in the past and I still have issues now.
Making this post is also frankly very scary for me because I feel so ashamed of my binges that for a long time I didn’t even want to admit I had a problem. I honestly feel really awful for having these dreams but it’s not like I can control them.
I don’t really know what I’m looking for here. My diet is going well, I’m at 167 which is a number I haven’t seen in over a year. I’m no longer obese, I went down a dress size, some minor health issues disappeared, I have 20x more energy and basically my life has changed. I feel a lot more confident now too, I’m still not where I want to be physically but it’s so much better than when I was obese. I believe that I can get to my goal weight as long as I stick to my diet and I’m ok with losing weight slower if it helps me stay sane, even if I’m just losing 0.5 pounds a week when I’m at the final stretch.
But I’m still getting strong urges to eat the way that literally made me sick, apparently urges so strong that I’m having dreams about them now. I wish my body could develop an understanding that what I’ve been doing is one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself, but instead it’s just like, “ME WANT PIZZA.” And not just a junior pizza, but an amount of pizza that makes no sense for a human to eat. It’s really frustrating.
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