Hey Reddit and friends from this sub,
It’s been a while since I’ve checked in on this platform, and it’s been good to be away. I’ve been gaining perspective on my own and prioritizing my health lately. I owe a lot to this sub for getting me started. I’ve said it before, but I was at an all time low when I first posted here (which I think I’ve hidden from my post history because I want to move forward).
A year and a half ago, I weighed 154lbs at 5’1. I’m a very petite framed girl, so that’s quite a bit of weight. I was exhausted all of the time, I was borderline diabetic, and I was showing symptoms of PCOS (which was never officially diagnosed). I was struggling really badly in my personal life- family health issues and mental health challenges, a turbulent relationship, and disappearing friendships, all of which, quite frankly, were the root of all my physical symptoms. I had no one to turn to, so I came here, and was met with so much kindness and love. I had a hard time believing in myself at the time, and having a few strangers believe in me gave me the push to get out of bed and try to imagine that a healthy life was possible.
I went to therapy, and struggled there too. I kept going and learned a lot about my so called self-destructive behaviours, and how they were really trying to protect me from a collapsing world that was mine. I overate and binged Netflix to cope because the alternative was thinking about killing my self. I isolated myself because I feared being rejected by people for being too vulnerable and for becoming a burden. I didn’t want to go to the gym because I was afraid that if I did, a) I wouldn’t meet my weight loss goals anyway, b) thought it was too late and found comfort in my bed from the big scary reality that was me being overweight, and c) I was terrified that people in the gym would shine a spotlight on my face as soon as I walked through the door, and call me out for being an “ugly, fat, worthless girl” that I felt that I was.
Therapy sucked and it was hard, but I stuck with it, and slowly but surely, having a person in real life believe in me, I started believing in me too. I had already started losing some weight due to slight restrictions in my diet, and the validation and reassurance I got my my therapist only bolstered my drive to achieve more wellness.
I reached out to friends. I began having genuine conversations with my family. I met new people, and fought every urge to curl back into bed alone. At first, it was so hard because typing out a rant or sharing my fears on reddit was so much easier. Why not go to the internet and receive almost instant feedback/reassurance/support? But it wasn’t getting to be enough, and I started to realize how much of a crutch this medium had become.
I don’t mean to sound high and mighty, but I think it’s important to recognize how a good thing can become too much of a good thing. Using reddit as my only support perpetuated the cycle of isolation for me. It kept me only healthful enough to keep coming back for more advice. I was missing the elements that were causing me to become stuck in a cycle of self hate- low self esteem, stress, a lack of social support in real life/poor relationships, that made my weight yo-yo.
I decided to drop social media for a bit, and my life has become tons better already. I enjoy eating food, and even better, I enjoy sharing the experience with friends. I like myself. Hell, I’d want to be my own friend, I’m pretty fucking great and have so much to offer others. I like how I look too- I don’t have the most defined muscles, and I’m still heavier than my goal weight, at 125lbs, but I like my legs and my curves- I like my chubby face which makes me look younger. I feel confident enough in my body to walk around in whatever I like, and I can go to the grocery story without make up on (which isn’t a feat to a lot of people, but it is for me). I can look people in the eye and tell them “no” without cowering and thinking “god, they probably think I’m ugly and fat, I’ll just do what they want so they don’t spend time thinking about my face and my body”.
I guess I just wanted to come back here to say thank you to this amazing and beautiful community first and foremost. And in a long winded way, share that there is a world away from this platform that is full of just as lovely of people who care about you - don’t neglect them! And if you’re struggling with mental health like I was, don’t neglect yourself in the name of advice-seeking here; find a therapist if you can, go to your doctor, find a mental health group. Gain your own perspectives away from the internet.
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