Incoming word diarrhoea so brace yourselves.
This is some long-ass rambling (homeless-guy level), so if it isn’t your cup of tea tough shit.
I said to myself that I would post a massive victory post once I get to my goal weight, but I haven’t so far – I’m not too fussed, it’s a work in progress. Also, I'm a long time lurker (the best type of lurker).
I’m posting for a couple of reasons:
- I feel that I’m in a much better place mentally and physically
- I feel that I’ve overcome a lot of negative stuff, especially with respect to emotions and negative self-talk so I don’t care if I’m at my goal or not right now.
- I want to help others, I want other people reading this to know that it is possible to overcome the negative emotions, self-talk, insecurity (massive cliché: but there is light at the end of the tunnel)
- Tied to no. 3: I want to meet new people – being overweight has made me insecure (I’m getting better) so I want to meet people and help them too.
- I’m gonna post some identifying stuff. I used to care, but I don’t anymore. So fuck it.
My highest weight was 23st 4lb (322 lb). My current weight is 198 - 202 lb so I've nearly broken the 200 lb barrier!
Intro.
I’ve been overweight since I can remember. I come from an Indian household where food = love. We offer guests tons of food and we cook lots of food. I’ve found that hosts pressure their guests to eat a lot because it’s seen as customary and a good thing, much to the detriment of my calorie allowance.
One of my earliest realisations that I was overweight was when I was 7/8 and comparing myself to a girl in my class, seeing how much my abdomen protruded whereas hers was flat. I also recall the school nurse calling in my mum to tell her that I was overweight, but she brushed it off, being a mum (bless her). My mum was overweight too, and so was most of her family. Diabetes and heart disease runs in my family (and Asians are also susceptible to it so we get bonus points).
As I got older, my weight began to become more of an issue, in terms of self-esteem and bullying. Compared to junior school (8 – 11) where I was the clever kid (lol, stereotype) I didn’t really get bullied for my weight and I guess being clever gave me an identity and a level of self-esteem.
I used to hate swimming lessons though because everyone could see my huge belly – once a mentally-disabled student actually prodded it and I was so fucking mortified about that. That made me very insecure.
Going into secondary school (12 – 16), I was acutely aware of comments about my weight from other kids and that led me to withdrawing more and more. It became a lot worse, I hated doing physical activities as I sucked at them and, as a boy, you feel there is pressure on you to being good at sports. Also, when you’re running or jumping, your bits are jiggling and that’s unsightly. I think at this time my weight in stone matched my age so aged 12 I was 12 stone, 14 I was 14 stone etc.
Getting older and awkward
As I got older and went into college (not university for Americano bros) my weight really ballooned, I weighed 18/19 stone by the time I was 16. My waist size went upto 44”. I went shopping once with my aunt to buy some trousers and I remember her telling the shop keeper that a 36” waist size trouser would fit. The shopkeeper disagreed and said try a 40”. I was internally shitting myself because I knew that even a 40” waist wouldn’t fit. More embarrassing was struggling to actually close the fasteners on the trouser. Yeesh.
The added bonus of being overweight for myself was I hated myself. I hated my body, I hated how I felt, I hated how I looked, and I hated that I couldn’t seem to do anything about it, which led me to comfort eating and the cycle of hate starting again. Food gave me pleasure: I loved to eat chips, burgers, fast food, and with no physical activity I got into playing games all day long and watching TV, movies and later porn (watching it, not starring in it obviously).
I saw, or assumed how thinner people looked happier, were more outgoing, social and I associated me being overweight with myself being unable to do these things. As an aside, I think overweight people can live fulfilling lives, but society makes it more difficult because it ascribes a lot of negative characteristics to overweight people. Because I hated myself, I was insecure, so I withdrew. I didn’t participate in any activities and the friends I had drifted away, which led me to eating more, being more sedentary and loathing myself more. A nasty circle.
It didn’t help that Asian family and “friends” also like to comment on your weight and remind you that you’re a fat slob. Cause ya know, you wouldn’t be able to tell on your own every time you look at the fucking mirror, so you need their sharp eyes and expert judgement to tell you this.
Living the uni life
In university, I was more withdrawn, something I still kind of regret, although I accept. I lived at home, so there was not much pressure on me to socialise and because I hated myself, I didn’t want to socialise in the first place either.
I left university with almost no friends. In my second year, I managed to go from 23st to 19st simply by following the WeightWatchers points programme. They stopped that after a few months (just my luck) and because I had exams, I stopped paying attention to my food intake. Slowly, but surely, my weight increased back to 22st. I became used to it fluctuating between 22st and 23st and thinking to myself “I hate myself and how I’m gonna change soon”. However, when it came to food time, I couldn’t resist fast food or snacks, so it always became “I’m gonna change after that meal/ after that binge/ next Monday” and this cycle continued for long.
Because of my insecurity and to a certain extent, the (perceived) judgement of others on morbidly obese people, I had serious trouble finding a job, which led me to being even more depressed. I was in this state until 25 or 26. All I really did was browse the internet, 4chan, eat food and watch porn – I had a serious self-esteem problem during those years. I had a few interviews and I’m sure my appearance had some impact on the interviewers and definitely on myself.
Setting small goals
Sometime in December 2016 I had decided that after numerous attempts at replicating my success in the past using WeightWatchers I was going to just track my food intake come-hell-or-high-water. The smallest action that I had to do was just write down what I had eaten and calculate the points I had eaten. It didn’t matter if I overate, binged or drank 2 litres of coke. No matter what happened, I would track. I believe this mindset was a big factor in my initial weight loss.
I started losing weight at a decent pace. My weekly weigh ins would make me feel more accomplished, and this led me to track more seriously (Note: the problem with this is that if your weigh-ins go up, it is also more likely to derail your progress so be aware of using weigh-ins to motivate yourself). It gave me a boost of motivation and increased my willpower – something that helped a lot. My weight loss continued for about a year to 18 months at a high rate. It was OK because my caloric allowance was decent enough that I could still eat unhealthy-ish foods and still lose weight. I could have takeout everyday if I planned properly (and I usually had it at least once a week).
I had even broken the 19 stone barrier that I had never previously breached – that was a big boost in confidence. I didn’t realise it at the time, but my trousers were very loose and baggy. I had to do the belt up tighter and that meant my jeans would crease up on themselves. When my mum saw this, she told me I needed new trousers, lol.
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Then the worst possible thing happened. My mum died. That was a massive shock. I thought for sure that I was going to put on the weight back again, I was around 17 stone at the time and I thought I would balloon back up to 23 stone. In fact, I found that I had completely lost my appetite. I did not feel like eating at all, and I remember being pestered to eat.
During the period after which my mum died, I didn’t track for a week or two but because I hadn’t eaten much at all, I didn’t gain weight. I managed to keep tracking because I feel like my mum wouldn’t want her death to impact me like this. She died from undiagnosed diabetes and heart disease, with obesity being a contributing factor.
Plateaus and Demotivation
My weight loss started slowing down as I got smaller. I had to buy a lot of new clothes and I underestimated how much smaller clothes I needed to get – which felt good! I went from wearing 54-56” trousers to 44-46”. Because I was so used to big, baggy clothes I did not realise that my clothing size had decreased. It was an awesome feeling. Even better was when I came back from holiday, how all my colleagues commented on my “sudden” weight loss. One of the best feelings is being able to buy off the rack clothes from normal shops instead of buying from special retailers who stock 3XL or 4XL. And stuff actually looks good on you now as well. I can’t believe I thought I was hiding my weight with baggy clothes – I was delusional.
Over the past year however, my weight has been plateauing. Remember when I said I could eat unhealthy food and lose weight? So, I was still doing that, but as my caloric allowance decreased it became more and more difficult to lose weight since my food-eating habits were still shit. When I started off, I was able to drink fizzy drinks (soda) – the full sugar versions and that was OK. Over time, I changed to sugar-free and tried to replicate this with other food. For example, I would get frylite for cooking instead of using oil, I got sweeteners, used skimmed milk (urghhh) and got fat-free yogurt (disgusting as well). This made me unhappy with my food and led me to bingeing.
I would go on bingeing cycles and then try to recoup the calories by starving myself the next day. It never worked. If anyone is doing this: IT NEVER WORKS. DON’T DO IT. You can see on the graph that I attached, my daily averages shot up to like 3000+ calories. It depressed me and made me feel like I was never going to lose the weight. Like I was permanently stuck at this plateau.
Changing Mindsets
I changed my food. Instead of eating low-fat versions, I would eat the full-fat version, but less of it. This was a scary step because I feared that I would gain weight because more calorie dense food = more calories = more weight. It is kind of true, but I believe that taste and satiety and satisfaction also play important roles. So for myself, I found I can't really survive long-term eating low-calorie foods because they depress the fuck out of me. And mood affects my appetite and how likely I am to overeat too.
Also, a lot of the time when I eat super-delicious food I want to eat more and more of it. It feels like some sort of conditioning: I no longer derive enjoyment from the food after eating a certain amount of it, but I still want to stuff my face – and I could keep on going till I am physically sick. I’m trying to stop this (it’s something I am still working on). If I do get a delicious piece of food, I try to savour it and focus on the pleasure of eating it at that moment instead of trying to get more and stuffing my face.
Also, with regards to bingeing if I overeat one or two days a week, Im ok with it. I don’t try to claw back my calories because that is a bitch. If I’m doing it consistently then I take a look at why I’m overeating and what things I can do to improve. Here are a few I found:
- Meal prep/plan. Know when you’re going to eat and what
- Tracking before/as soon as you eat. I still underestimate my food. If I have to track for the rest of my life, I’m actually ok with that. I think I will gauge better in the future, but almost everyone underestimates what they eat based on memory alone.
- Increase fat and protein (not suited to everyone, but I think it helps quite a few). I LOOVE carbs. Like if carbs were a person I would probably be banging them all day and night for two weeks. Straight. But man, they make me hungry and then I crave more, especially cake/pastry stuff – that is like crack. Delicious crack. I’ve only recently switched to a high protein diet and I feel like it makes a lot of difference. I have a protein target now and fill the rest of my calories with fat/carbs. I find cheese is a good snack as a hunger breaker even though it can be calorie heavy.
- Binge tracking/Looking at emotions. It works, and you become aware of triggers (both with food and emotions). Certain foods might trigger me into a binge. Certain emotions might trigger me too. I know better now what to avoid.
Do you even lift
One of the biggest things that has broke me out of my plateau and also improved my mood considerably is going to the gym. I’m the kind of person who, before making a choice or carrying out an action tries to get everything in order first. So I was like, I need these clothes, I need a bike, I need to read up on 1000 articles, bla bla before I join the gym. Don’t be like me. If you’re thinking of joining: JUST FUCKING DO IT.
Seriously, action precedes motivation (imo). Now if I am thinking of doing something, I try to think less and take action first. It works. If you’re thinking of wanting to lose weight start tracking. Today. Just track. Don’t do anything else. But don’t wait for the perfect moment. Because I guarantee you it will never come. It is just a coping mechanism our brains use to avoid doing hard things.
When I joined the gym (I did a 3 month contract) I was like fuck this shit. I was awkward and felt so out of place and these super fit buff guys lifting 100+ kg while I’m here struggling with the fucking bar. I wanted desperately to leave and asked one of the receptionists if I could cancel my contract (super lol). I’m glad I couldn’t because I got used to it. I don’t give a shit what other gymbros think now. I don’t care if they’re judging me. But it has made me more social in a way. I approach other people in the gym and sometimes we have a good convo, other times not. But it has helped with my shyness. My contract is nearly expiring, but I never imagined I would last for 3 months. At the start I was telling myself to just do it for 6 weeks and leave.
Lifting has allowed me to increase my caloric allowance whilst also losing weight. I’m losing a lot more per week than I did this past year. During this whole year I’ve also been (and still am) doing a HIIT/cardio routine at home 3x/week.
So yeah, that’s my nearly-3-year (or 7/8 years) weight loss in a long ass essay you didn’t read.
Stranger Danger
I’m in London btw so if anyone wants to meet for motivation or some tea and crumpets (actually prefer scones and heart-clogging cream), then I’m down. Seriously. I want to pass on what I’ve learnt and try to help someone else out there because I remember what I felt like when I was overweight, when others made fun of my weight and how much I hated myself. Not saying that you hate yourself, but being overweight in a society that has a big focus on aesthetics can be soul destroying.
Pics cos I want some attention:
I hated taking pics of myself so it took a long time to find these photos.
Ive also attached a graph showing my calorie tracking since this year. Look at the massive spikes – that was me bingeing. For you eagle eyed viewers, you can see that I’m consistently going over the last few weeks. I’m ok with that because I’m losing weight and not tracking my exercise calories.
Takeaways for y’all (pun intended)
On my (still-ongoing) journey, I’d like to think I managed to learn a miniscule amount which I’ll share below.
1. Setup a small target and stick to it. Stick to it like bird shit sticks to your car.
My go to action for that is tracking: just write down what you eat. You don’t have to act on it, you don’t have to cut down or cut out any food. The point is to bring awareness to what you’re eating, maybe when and why.
When I was bingeing I started a binge diary that tracked my emotions, what I had eaten and how I was feeling. I don’t use it now, but I think it helps us to see things from a wider perspective. Sometimes, in the midst of things it’s difficult to make connections. I’m trying to do a similar things in other areas of life.
2. Self-compassion. Watch how you talk to yourself.
Do you call yourself useless, an idiot, stupid, dumb? Don’t call yourself that. You are on your own team: you are the MVP of your team – no-one else will root as hard for yourself as you. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself when you screw up and tell yourself that you’ll try again: a little different this time. And if you screw up again, that’s ok because you’ll try again too. Being more compassionate to yourself means you’ll be more compassionate to others and understand that everyone has shit to go through.
3. Don’t be afraid to change things or try new things.
I tried to stick to my old WeightWatchers plan because I thought switching to calorie counting only would be cheating. I ended up bingeing a lot and resenting the plan. Only when I allowed myself to move on because my old plan wasn’t working I was pleasantly surprised by how well calorie counting worked. I was also afraid to switch to high-protein and increase my fats, but I’ve found that I’m feeling more satiated now.
4. Start with small changes that become automatic. Less willpower = better.
For you to be consistent, you can’t rely on willpower alone in the long term. So, if your “diet” plan involves you starving yourself or eating disgusting food, you won’t be able to maintain it, because you're fighting yourself and your wants. You need something that you enjoy doing or can do automatically. That comes with small changes and experimentation. Drastic changes hardly work.
5. Take my advice with a pinch of salt.
I've just written down what works for me. You are different - you may disagree with me or find something else works for you better. That's fine. Do that instead!
6. Ignore and KILL ALL HATERS.
That is all.
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