I sorry for the wall of text, I just needed to get it all out for my sanity.
I’m 32F and currently weigh around 132kg/291lbs. I have had weight issues as long as I can remember. My childhood wasn’t traumatic or abusive, but my family weren’t overly affectionate or emotional. I was an extremely shy and anxious child with two older siblings. I was a good, quiet kid who always did well at school and never got in trouble, so sometimes it felt like I was forgotten in the background. I think that’s when my emotional eating really started to take hold. Sure, I was a bit chubby, but I was generally happy. I got more overweight and less happy as time went on.
I got a handle on my anxiety as I got older and I really tried to get a hold on my eating. I did lose a bit of weight but then depression reared its head when I was around 16/17. I was just about to graduate high school, no real idea what I wanted to do, a big group of friends but no one super close that I could talk to about things. Food became my only real friend. It made me happy (if only for a moment) and kept my mind busy when I didn’t want to feel anything.
For the next dozen or so years I went to Uni, quit Uni, worked for a bit, went back to Uni and graduated. I put on weight, I lost a little weight, I put on more weight. I was at my heaviest (145kg/320lbs) and completely hated myself when I had weight loss surgery about 7/8 years ago. It worked for a little while and I lost close to 50kgs(110lbs) but then I put most of it back on again. My body had been changed but my mind still had to same problems. This just added to the feeling of being a complete failure – I had my insides rearranged and I still couldn’t lose the weight! My parents paid for it out of their own pockets too which made (and still makes) me feel guilty as hell.
Now I’m here in the present. I got married earlier this year to a wonderful guy. I still have my ups and downs with my depression but I’m doing ok. My weight has stabilised but is much too high to be healthy. I used to be in denial – like, yeah, I’m big but I don’t have any health issues! I’m starting to really feel it now though. I’m always tired and have no energy or motivation. I work in a job where I have to be standing/walking all day long and at the end of the day I feel like my feet are going to fall off. My back aches, my legs throb. I have horrible varicose veins. My husband and I want to try for a baby but I’m terrified my weight will either make me infertile or mean something will go wrong with the baby.
Yet even with ALL of this, I still can’t break the hold that food has on me. Some days it seems like food is the only thing I have to look forward too. I KNOW that it’s hurting me and making me miserable but I just can’t stop! I start to panic whenever I know we don’t have any biscuits or chocolate in the house. I feel like a damn drug addict going through withdrawal whenever I try and give up sugary things. I know it’s all psychological and I need to break through it but it terrifies me. What am I supposed to do if I can’t eat? It’s all I know, the only way I know how to cope with life.
I would love to see a psychologist to help with this but there’s no way we can afford one, so I’m reaching out to everyone on here for help. I want to change so bad but I don’t have any faith in myself. I have failed so many times in the past. I want to get healthier so I can feel good again, so I can have a healthy pregnancy and teach my child healthy habits (I’m so scared that my child will go through what I did). I want to break the hold that food has on me and be in charge of my own life. Any insight/advice/success stories appreciated. Thank you for reading.
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