Hey everyone!
I just started losing weight in September, and have since lost just about 20 lbs. It isn't much, but I've been struggling with my weight my entire life and I've never managed to lose this much before (the classic "oh man, peanutbutter is supposed to be healthy for you, right? So I can eat a bunch of it and not worry, right?" coupled with hereditary hypothyroidism) so I'm pretty darn proud of how much easier it is for me now! That's the good news. Now onto the bad news.
Despite finally knowing what I need to do in order to lose weight I'm feeling really... sad, I guess? I'm sad because I had no idea I had let myself go that much (I hadn't weighed myself for a whole year, and when I did weigh myself I had gained like 40 lbs), and because even if I give it my all right now and hopefully keep losing weight my body will forever have the loose skin, stretch marks and whatever else as a nagging memory of what I ended up doing to myself. More importantly though I'm just so freaking frustrated with not being able to see my body for what it is.
When I started this journey I was just about 200 lbs at 5'5, classifying me as level I obese, but when I look at the body I had at that time that isn't what I see. Sure, I've always known that I'm overweight, but I would never in my wildest dreams have imagined that I'd be considered obese, and when looking at pictures I took about a month before I started all this I still don't see an obese body. Frankly I see the same body on that pic as I see when I look at myself in the mirror now, 20 lbs lighter, and if it wasn't for my stomach feeling flatter and the scale saying so I wouldn't have thought that I've lost anything. I've always been fairly active, but I've never been strong by any means, so it's not like I have a crazy high muscle % that can explain it away either. Honestly I'm starting to feel like maybe I was subconsciously super into the whole "healthy/beautiful/what-have-you at every size" movement, and maybe that's why I'm in denial about having looked "bad" before? I don't know. I will continue on my weight loss journey anyway because ultimately I know that that'll make me both healthier and happier, but I don't know when or if this feeling will really leave me. Have any of you had any similar struggles? And if so, how did you deal with it?
Thank you for listening :')
(pic from the end of July '19 if anyone is interested: https://imgur.com/a/4RWkReE - sorry for the baggy pants, I always wear them haha)
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