Tuesday, April 13, 2021

Feeling so defeated

Hey guys, first time posting. I’ve debated actually posting for a while but I just feel so defeated, I feel like I need to speak to some people that might understand my situation. To give some background, I’m a 23F, sitting at 202lbs (my heaviest weight ever). I’ve been overweight most of my life, but around grade 11-12 I lost a lot of weight through severe restriction and strict keto. I managed to get to a point where I was actually comfortable with my body, but looking back now I realize I did it through some really unhealthy and unsustainable ways. I maintained my weight of ~135lbs for about a year, then got into my first serious relationship and noticed some weight coming on. By the time that relationship ended, I’d probably gained about 15lbs. I had great habits though, working out at the gym, clean eating, all that. Then I got into my next serious relationship and covid hit, two things that really didn’t help my weight gain. The biggest struggle for me, however, is that I’ve realized that I think I’m either somewhat addicted or dependent on smoking weed, and the munchies after are what absolutely ruin me. I could have a great day of clean eating (exercising consistently is still hard for me), and then I just obliterate my calories with an awful binge session. Over the past year and a half I’ve probably smoked almost every night (minus a few weeks where I’d successfully stopped smoking but fell back on the wagon) and gained ~40-50lbs. I’m just so disappointed in myself for getting to where I am, and just how much I hate myself and my body. I know that my weight loss journey will include a lot of things that aren’t necessarily weight loss related (addiction and binge eating recovery), but I guess I just wanted some insight from some people who might’ve gone through similar struggles and might have some advice for where to start and how to not get overwhelmed? I’m just struggling so much and I’m having such a hard time getting through the days lately. Thanks everyone, I appreciate it so much ❤️

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