Hi, hopefully someone won't feel bothered by my post but I don't know where else to post it, please do not down vote it, I do not want to brag or make those of you who are struggling with weight loss feel bad, it's not my intention at all. I have lost more than 120 lbs in over 3 years, I'm currently around 130 and I want to get to 123, I'm a 5'5 girl if that helps.
I don't even know how to put it but I'll try my best. I have reached a point where I eat very little like 3 poor meals a day and I can see my body getting skinnier day by day. I'm also convinced that the reason I'm skinny is because I undereat not because I'm on a healthy diet (that's true actually). If I were to eat normal I wouldn't be as skinny and I'd easily start gaining again. I couldn't wait to reach this point when I started my weight loss journey but now that I am skinny I feel weird. I am a very active person and I keep losing weight no matter what, every time I see myself in a mirror I am shocked that I look the way I do, I'm like "who is that person?!" and although I should be happy..somehow I am not. I want to get to 123 so I can jump straight into my maintenance calories which should be around 1600 so hopefully my weight will stabilize itself around 127 and I'll be maintaining that for the rest of my life.
A while ago I did something that kinda shocked me and I sort of feared my own self: I was at my parents' and I wanted to stuff myself as much as I could for some reason so I could see the scale go up and stop feeling vulnerable and bad for being skinny now. I don't know If I wanted to see proof that I can easily gain the weight back. I truly do not understand this behavior. My counselor says I want to punish myself for some reason and I do not know why. Everybody complimented my super flat stomach or skinny legs but all I could think in my head was that I undereat that's why I have the tiniest stomach and waist and I can touch my bones and that my body got used to tiny amounts of food. My legs are super skinny just because I walk like a machine because I love walking and it keeps my anxiety at bay. If I were to sit on the couch for a month my legs wouldn't look this skinny anymore. (I hope you get what I mean)
I truly do not know why every lb I lose makes me feel bad at this point. Even when I eat at my current maintenance I keep losing weight and it's also hard to determine what my daily intake should be in order to maintain the same weight forever because there's periods where I log 10 -15k steps per day and some where I move less so I wouldn't know how to balance everything.
As an anxious person, I always need to have answers to everything.. Why do I feel so vulnerable as the scale drops? I currently look like a walking skeleton, I'm able to see my ribs and it feel weird and I authomatically think I have an issue or that I look ill. Sometimes I tell myself I'm skinny because I barely eat but If I started to eat at maintenance I will gain some of the weight back and lose my current physique. My body keeps changing and as I get skinnier it's even more noticeable, it feels like I'm even different than what I looked like last week. I'm not even sure what the point of this post is to be honest with you, maybe I just wanted to get this anxiety off my chest or see If someone has been through a similar thing and can explain what this is all about.
Again, don't be offended by it, I know this sub is to celebrate weight loss achievements rather than complain because I'm scared of getting too skinny. Some of you might actually tell me to stop losing weight If I'm happy the way I look but I wanna get to 123/125 so once I'll start eating like a normal human being and naturally gain some pounds my weight will stabilize at the number I want. I'm currently 130 and whenever I eat at maintenance my weight goes back to 143 and that number just triggers me because it's close to 154 in my head and it's easy to bounce back around 150 and I do not like the way my body looks at 150 nor do I wanna see that number again on the scale. As soon as the number exceeds 138 I freak out.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3xz0rH4
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