Hi. I am a 32 year old newish mom (my daughter is almost one). I have never posted before but today I felt brave enough to put this out there. A little backstory on me: I used to be extremely fit. But, before I was fit, I was also overweight for my height my entire life. A fond memory I have as a child is uniform shopping and how my pants were called "size whatever husky". Cute. I went through a bad divorce when I was 25, lost a good 50lbs and managed to keep it off for years. The gym was MY sanctuary. It banished my depression to an unknown island somewhere in the middle of the Pacific with no cell service. During the beginning of the pandemic, I got high off of riding my bike solo 50+ miles a day. I was a dedicated vegan. I ran sprints and laps FOR FUN. I had an amazing body and for once in my life, I had confidence. I felt sexy. I had never felt this before in my entire existence. And then BOOM, I got pregnant. Major, major surprise. HUGE. I had a horrible pregnancy and gained 70lbs (I was 110lbs, 5'2 when I got knocked up), swelled up with fluid and had varicose veins bulging out of my legs.
Fast forward to now- I absolutely hate my body. I have not been able to shed a lot of the weight I gained. Along with that, I have lose skin and a ton of stretch marks. I look in the mirror and cry quite often. I look extremely old and washed out. I know everyone tells me "it hasn't been a year yet blah blah blah" "you birthed a baby, get used to your new body" etc. No, this is not my new body. This is a shell where a former happy person used to be. I love my daughter with all of my heart, but she ruined me. I suffered/suffer from PPD and depression/anxiety. It came back from vacation with a new sense of style. It has been very hard to deal with, and I know this may sound like a silly reason to feel sad, but it makes me so upset. I worked so hard for so many years and now I cry almost every day when I see myself naked. I will not even let my fiancée touch me in certain areas of my body. None of my clothes fit. My style is not even a style anymore, it is basically "ok this fits".
I have absolutely no motivation to work out. I know the problem can be solved, but I am so tired all the time, the thought of going to the gym after working all day and caring for a small child...is just so overwhelming to me. The few times I have gone to the gym, I am so self conscious. I have no confidence in myself. I feel like I do not belong there and start comparing myself to the beautiful, fit women in sports bras. I start crying at the thought of "that used to be me". I used to walk into a gym and make it my bitch. What happened? My fiancée does his best to try and motivate me, but it honestly just makes me not want to go even more. I tell myself "you'll do it tomorrow" or "when I get home tonight, I will do sit ups or go for a run". SIKE. I never do it. I cannot talk myself into working out to save my life. I feel like I have totally lost myself and who I used to be in that aspect. I can barely ride my bike 3 miles without gasping for air. I do not have many friends where I live and the few I do have are already skinny, so the gym just isn't on their priority list. I eat healthy, I drink tons of water...hell I even got on Adipex to help me and it still doesn't motivate me. I know if I worked out like I used to, I would not be crying and holding my own pity party almost weekly. I need my depression to chill...and not here but somewhere far away again.
Yesterday, I found a reddit thread with progress photos. I cried at the before and after's. All I can see in the photos is their smile. The weight loss was amazing but the smiles. The confidence. The motivation. I swore to myself Monday, November 29th my life will change. I swore to myself I will be the before and after for another mom/person who is feeling the same way I am. I want my daughter to be able to look at her mommy and say "I want to be strong like mommy!". I want her to not have body image issues like I did as a kid (and adult). I want her to see what being confident is all about and to make healthy life choices. I want her to see me happy with myself because so far in her 10 little months on Earth, she has not. And that is sad.
How can I keep this fire inside of me burning? Have you or someone you know felt the way I do, and how was it handled? Why is it that I am told just to deal with my body just because I gave birth? I like my hips but I know that this weak person is not me. How can I stay on track? Any advice you can give me on this new chapter of my life is appreciated. Please go easy on me, it took a lot for me to even write this and I am not even sure if this is where it belongs...but maybe someone else is going through the same thing and has the same questions.
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