I Can't Break The Cycle

Hey guys, I'm hoping someone can give me a bit of advice and comfort in this terrible time.

A bit of background, I've always been really insecure of my body since I was a kid and was always aware of what I was eating and my exercise level. I tried losing weight multiple times but nothing really stuck until I realised that doing Ramadan was making me look slimmer. I did a modified version of that for a few months but again I gained the weight back. At the end of 2020, I weighed the most I've weighed at 71kg and I decided to start with CICO.

I then proceeded to do CICO for the past year, losing max 20 kg. I like my body much more and feel confident sometimes, even though the weight loss didn't change my biggest insecurity that is my chubby legs.

Because of my past of disordered eating and mental health connections such as body dysmorphia and really bad self worth, I struggled a lot at times w CICO. But now its at its worst.

Since about a month ago, Halloween 2021, I have gained 2 kg. I have not lost any weight since September. I have been binge eating until throwing up, cannot stop thinking about food and its effecting my studies and relationships, and I cannot leave the house bcus I can't stand anyone looking at me. I keep trying to get back on track but everything overwhelms me and I'm constantly on the edge until something tips me off and I start the cycle of bingeing and isolating myself again. It gets worse when I'm with others and they eat and I eat with them, however much I want, 2000-4000 calories a day.

I don't know what to do. I'm not at all happy with my body and especially now that I'm gaining weight. I'm constantly reminiscing about how I managed to do so well for a whole year and how that all seems completely impossible now. I want to lose more weight, I want to love my body for once, and most of all, I want to have the discipline and control back and set out to achieve what I want!

I don't know where to go from here...

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