My dad's family has a history of cardio-vascular disease and diabetes. For years, I've been ashamed of my dad's side eating habits and their inability to take care of their health. Particularly my own dad has had two heart surgeries, and my dad's inability to prioritize his own health has always made me so angry. I also know how stressful it's been for my mom to take care of him and cook healthy at home. They are retired now and I feel like he have ONE job -- to stay fit and healthy. My dad's own weight journey has periodically gone from really fit to ballooning up..which has been just disturbing to watch.
Yet, I am now here in my late 20s struggling through the exact same thing as my dad. And I hate myself for it. I don't hate my body, in fact, I have a good sense of self-worth outside of my weight. But I do hate myself because I feel like I have lost the drive and work ethic to loose weight. I hate that I am putting on weight, trying to eat healthily and exercising.. yet failing spectacularly. I am what I call "a down jacket weight": someone who is in that mid-weight overweight range where they are not noticeably overweight when they wear a jacket..I look puffy, but I cannot pull off a fitted, sleeveless top without my arms, boobs, or tummy being noticed. I am about 17 pounds overweight to my ideal weight (28F, 137 lb, 5"00). 17 seems like such a small amount fo weight..but its SO stubborn it wont come off. When I was 23-24, I did lose a bunch of weight and weighed between 115-120 lbs but I think my body has slowed down its metabolism since. My first round of depression really helped pile on the extra weight since then.
The last 6 months, I really tried a bunch a of things..I add a strength training/ HIIT class 3x a week (that I've been very consistent with), added more veggies etc. but the scale and non-scale have barely budged. I have been trying intermittant fasting and eating at ~1500 calories. I'll try this for about a month and then see zero loss. I then just get so disheartened and go on a binge cycle for 15 days..until I decide. to try again. This has been going on for 6 months now. I have been pondering to myself if calorie counting, intermittent fasting, weight training is all a weight loss myth? Maybe I have this all wrong and the internet has conflicting information. sigh..
Yesterday, I zoomed with a friend after a long time and she jokingly but very accurately said my face had ballooned up. I have gotten used the weight comments over the years..but this is burning through my soul. I feel like I am on track in becoming my dad and I detest this version of myself. I just don't know how to build myself back up again. I just feel really defeated and almost hopeless to try again. I am not sure if any of you have been in this place before. I would love to hear how you overcame it or where I can start from.
In tears and helpless,
A puffy penguin
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