Sunday, September 16, 2018

Plateau is discouraging me and I just want to binge .... but I refuse to give up.

For the last week my weight has gone from 178 to 177, to 173, back to 177.... up and down. Today in the morning I was 176 then an hour ago I was 174...

This is incredibly frustrating

Since my teenage years started I have struggled with weight loss, binging, self discipline etc. and it was only this year in which I finally learned self discipline, I can finally control myself around food and I can finally fight binging urges. I haven’t binged or eaten over maintenance in 3 months !! (about to be 4) and I just started losing weight (again for the 100th time 😑). Before this year, every time I would get binging urges, I’d give in immediately. However this has turned into me fighting myself during these binge urge phases (and feeling glad I didn’t give in right after). I’ve been stuck in the 70’s for a very long time at different times since 2016. I would go from 175 to 184 then down again to 179... and yeah the pattern would just go on. That’s why I’ve been so frustrated that I’m stuck in the 70’s right now, all I want is to reach the 60’s (only reached them once) right now! I also feel as if I’m “not experiencing” anything new regarding weight-loss. Like yeah since April I’ve gotten down from 189 and I’ve felt my collarbones appearing... but I already experienced that before. It was exciting the first time it happened, but now I just think “great I can feel my collarbones again... but I still feel fat. When are these love handles gonna go away?”

With that being said, I can’t say how many times I wanted to just give up on weight loss and gain back all the weight I’ve lost. There were so many times where I wanted to give in to the binging urges. I hate being stuck on a plateau and it makes me just want to binge because hey, it feels like I’ll never leave the 70’s! I honestly want to give up on weight-loss a lot because I feel as if I’ll never go anywhere, that I’ll always be this fat. In fact, I want to quit right now.

But I won’t.

Because I can’t. Even though I want to, I just can’t. Why ruin all of my progress? Why get back that aft around my neck so that my collarbones don’t appear anymore? Why have my love handles bigger than they are now? Even though I’m stuck, I am carefully examining my calorie intake and well, pushing through. I’m frustrated, but I feel as if my discipline is stronger than ever.

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