I’ve yo-yo dieted all my life. Most recently, in 2018, I lost 40 lbs (199 lbs - 159 lbs) over the course of about 6 months through a combination of diet (1200 calories a day with simple carb desserts only once a week) and exercise (daily one hour walks on top of a job that independently got me to 10,000 steps). SHOCKING: it was not sustainable because I wasn’t actually making lifestyle changes. I have now gained back all the weight and then some - I’m at least 20 lbs heavier than my previous heaviest set point. Haven’t stepped on a scale in a while but I know I’m over 215 lbs. On a 5’0” frame, it’s pretty jarring, especially since I spent my entire childhood and my 20s so proud that I never went over 200 lbs.
When I was at my lowest weight, I got discouraged. I was finally below 160 but I barely felt different, from what I could tell. I still huffed and puffed every time I tried to run, I still had fat/jiggly arms with a curve on them (my arms are my least favorite part of my body so I tend to fixate on them). I was tired all the time from eating 1200 calories per day, and I never “felt great” in the way people told me I would. I eventually gave up (although I was in DEEP denial about giving up) in large part because I felt it just wasn’t worth the continued deprivation, the awkward conversations with friends about why I had to bring my own food to the bar, the snide comments from my step-mom, etc.
BUT since gaining the weight back, I realized something. “Feeling great” isn’t “I have tons of energy every day and I’m super confident and I never have any aches and pains.” Instead, “feeling great” is simply the absence of feeling shitty.
I completely took it for granted that I didn’t feel nauseous most of the day, that my knees didn’t ache from the slightest amount of walking, that my back didn’t ache if I stood for more than two minutes at a time, that my actual ass didn’t chafe from just walking, etc. I didn’t even NOTICE that when I was thinner I was more confident being in public and taking up space and talking with strangers, until I was “suddenly” less confident. I’m back to comparing myself against every woman who walks in a room. I NEVER did that at my lowest weight because I simply didn’t think that way.
Something happens to your mind when you’re fat. I do believe that American society at large is fatphobic (ironic because this country is overwhelmingly obese), and I think my thoughts and behaviors when I’m bigger reflect both my own insecurities and my response to society telling me to feel a certain way about me/my body. I’m falling back into destructive ways of thinking and behaving, and I’m not down for it. Tbh the ass chafing was what did it for me, but also how generally unhappy I am now.
Feeling great from weight loss isn’t some universal, magical fix-all thing. It is more about the absence of feeling shitty and the celebration of the positive things that are happening, no matter how small.
Day One back on the wagon, y’all. Starting off focusing on the “healthy plate” of one half greens, one fourth carbs, one fourth protein. Trying to hit 15,000 steps per day. Wish me luck. ❤️
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