5'9 f 32. I'm scared of seeing people suddenly treat me better than before, all down to my weight.
I'm currently a size 14 women's in clothing. Not obese. A bit overweight. But because I am tall i guess I kiiiiind of carry it okay. When i get to size 10. I honestly look very different. It's because I store weight in my boobs and stomach. So suddenly, it's like I'm a proper hourglass again.
I've gone up and down over the years like many. From size 6 to 16. I was definitely an emotional eater with a history of trauma (ptsd). Now. I've done therapy for 3 years. And my weight is stable. Has been for 2 years now. So as i slowly, safely, drop another dress size, bad memories come back.
My dad always gave me more attention when I was skinny (Skinny for me is like size 6/8 at 5'9). So I'd starve myself and when i visited home once a year, I'd revel in his attention. As a child i was fit or fat. Rarely skinny. On the flip side, my mother was grossly obese to obese, and now is overweight but far healthier. So i was put in ballet classes where I'd be encouraged for weight loss yet my mother would feed me mcdonald's before ballet... It was a verrrry confusion relationship to food, acceptance, love, attention and interest...
Now i realise how unhealthy that whole dynamic is. And being an adult far from my family helps me feel safe, emotionally, to lose weight, for MY reasons. Not to get love. Or to be skinny. But to FEEL good and enjoy health. I'm just dreading that I'll be treated markedly superior when I'm a size 10. It'll make my heart sad. But maybe that just bad memories from childhood?
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from loseit - Lose the Fat http://bit.ly/2J5yOwh
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