Hey everyone, made a new account so nobody who knows me irl can link my weight loss to the ~saucy~ photos I post on my main. This is gonna be long, so I apologize.
Trigger warning: disordered eating, mental health stuff
I've pretty much always been obese with periods of relative thinness interspersed. I've always been fairly obsessed with my weight, just with varying levels of doing anything about it.
I've had success with weight loss before, but haven't managed to maintain it in a healthy way. I will now obsessively outline my weight gain/loss history, because I like numbers and oversharing and maybe some of y'all can relate.
When I was 6, I weighed more than 100 lbs. I was a pretty big/tall kid though. Fat, but not like alarmingly so I don't think. I remember reading a story in class about foot binding and remarking to my teacher that my feet were already too big because I wore a women's size 6. I was always the tallest kid in my class.
I didn't really think about my weight too much, until one day my paediatrician said 'congratulations fat kid name you're not gaining weight as fast anymore!' My heart began to race. I silently freaked the fuck out. From then on, my weight was mostly what I thought about.
Luckily, I was never bullied. Probably because I was ENORMOUS and could destroy anyone who tried. I was also smart and intimidating and soft spoken and kind, just deeply self conscious.
I don't remember when I decided to lose weight, but a few years ago I found a notebook in my room from when I was 10. I was 5'5 and 176 lbs. I wrote about how fat I was and how I wanted to lose weight.
So I come from a fat/tall family. I wasn't unusual. It was assumed I would grow up to be 6' and 250 lbs like some of my other female relatives.
However when I reached 12, crisis I realized I hadn't grown in height for about a year. I was stalled at 5'6. (Spoiler alert: much to my chagrin I did not grow taller), I also weighed 198 lbs. This was the end of the 7th grade. I vowed to lose weight.
I started with obsessively tracking my calories and staying under 1500 per day with the occasional binge. After I got down to 180 (after 2 months), I became lazy and just started restricting because it was easier.
I would eat 200 calories of cereal/soy milk for breakfast, a V8 and apple for lunch, then a smaller portion of whatever my family ate for dinner during the week, then would binge uncontrollably on the weekends. I got down to 160 about 6 months after I weighed 198. Then I didn't budge from there. I guess my weekend bingeing caught up to me/my dinners were pretty calorie heavy because I was also exercising a lot. I was taking on average 10k steps a day, had 3 intense gym classes a week, and was on the swim team and track team.
My eating habits weren't healthy. I was exhausted and hungry all day and would look forward to around 4pm when I guess my body would boost my blood sugar and I'd get all giddy and energetic.
I was obsessed with losing weight though. I still didn't feel that I was good enough. I began getting into (more) disordered eating territory. Not eating during the day, bingeing at night/on the weekends.
This continued until I was 15 then one day, I just snapped. I was on vacation with my family. I ate a sandwich for lunch. Then ate another. The ate a third. Then ate a fourth. Then I decided that eating during the day was actually a good idea, so did that. At this point I would also make myself throw up once in a while (would not recommend.) After a few months, I was 180 and stayed there for a while.
Then when I was 17, gym class wasn't mandatory anymore and my exercise went way down. I quit the swim team and only went to track practice like once a week. I was also in grade 12 so once I got into University, I became a laze and ate out a lot. By the time I was leaving for University, I weighed 220. 20 lbs more than I had vowed to ever weigh again.
But University food sucked and I had recently started a gluten/dairy free diet so my options were limited. I was also exercising a lot more sprinting drunkenly around campus on adventures at night. I lost 30 lbs in the first two months of my first year. I was 190 I was young. I looked hot! Going to University was a big change for me in how I saw my body. People were attracted to me! I got laid! A lot! I didn't feel ugly and worthless anymore like I did throughout my childhood. I maintained that weight for a while, fluctuating up and down a bit.
Then in my third year of University, I had a health crisis. I had a pulmonary embolism and could have died. After, I was constantly out of breath, would sleep for like 16 hours a day, and ate whatever I wanted trying to get energy. I never really recovered. My lungs were damaged so my ability to exercise was shot. I sunk into a depression and stayed there.
I got up to 230. I was still pretty hot though. I'd still get hit on at da club and stuff. However my mental health was not good. I reached a crisis and tried to kill myself a few times. No good.
I was hospitalized (aka lying in bed all day for months at a time, no bueno for weight gain and cardio) and put on medications with the side effects of weight gain and slowing your metabolism. Casually glosses over this period. IT WAS ROUGH Y'ALL. THINGS ARE MUCH BETTER NOW.
I got up to 275 last month. But then I decided I was a walrus human who got out of breath walking down the street and I no longer wanted to be a walrus human.
So I started tracking my calories. My goal is just under 1600 per day. The first week when I failed to stay under that target, I was devastated and felt myself falling back into disordered thoughts of being a failure, etc. I felt like shit. Then I was like FUCK THAT I AM A GREAT HUMAN THIS DOES NOT DEFINE ME positive self talk intensifies.
Sooooo this week I didn't beat myself up when I went over (and boooooy did I go over.) So that is my NSV lol. All this text for that!
Stats so far: 24, F, 5'6, goal of sub 1600 calories per day, went over most days, but still have lost 5 lbs in two weeks, and lost 2 inches from my waist.
My body type is mostly pear/hourglass with weight increasingly going to my stomach/back/arms over 230 lbs.
I'd like to get back to that sweet sweet waist:hip ratio of 0.6 I had when I weighed 160. (27 inch waist, 45 inch hips.) BUT I DIGRESS.
This is so long. Myyyyy bad.
TL;DR was stuck in some disordered eating/black or white thought patterns last week, but accepted that I don't have to be perfect to still move myself towards becoming healthier. Yay me!
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from loseit - Lose the Fat http://bit.ly/2wwxJrE
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